Saturday, December 31, 2005




Last christmas evidently Tessa Kaunang had too many eggnog, she thought it was still the 80's. A time when she's still in high school, going around carrying LKS. A time when it is still appropriate to wear a Molly Ringwald's "Pretty In Pink"/Roxette's '89 video "Dangerous" hybrid pink top. A time when she's still a virgin and decided to give her virginity to her boyfriend by wrapping a gigantic blue ribbon around her waist, making herself look like a christmas present.

Aahhh Tessa, if only it were true. If only it were true...

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Thursday, December 29, 2005

Dear Miss Melly Goeslaw,



To be blunt upfront, ARE YOU CRAZY?? Seriously, you're either crazy or you just bought a straw producing factory whose sales went under the next day leaving you with a year stock of straws that you simply didn't know what to do with hence you decided to pin them all over your dress. Those are straws on your dress, right? To be honest I don't really know what they are, except that they and the blue wig make you look like a rejected clown from Dunia Fantasi. Could they be tentacles that grow on dresses?

And one more thing, just curious, is that a ribbon on your head? I do hope it's not because there only two women in this world who can get away with ribbons on their head, and they are none other than Miss Minnie Mouse and Miss Daisy Duck.

Yours and Distressed,
Mpok Jane.



Hey, thanks Melly. Now I know what a human pinata looks like.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by mpok jane






Wednesday, December 28, 2005


Enno Lerian

Oh Enno, I know the teenage-divorce problem you're facing right now is very hard and it's making you want to run away. But helloooo? You don't need to take it so literally by dressing as a brown Converse hi-tops.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Tuesday, December 27, 2005



Dear Neng Sarah,

Hai, aku Putri Patricia. Inget aku khaaan? Aduh, masa lupa sich? Aku khan dulu pernah main di "Dewi Fortuna" dan "Tersanjung 7". Iiich, Neng Sarah jahat dech. Eniwei, aku lagi ada masalah nich. Begini neng, belakangan ini aku koq udah nggak pernah diajak main sinetron lagi yach. Padahal aku dulu terkenal loch. Iya khan, iya khan? Ngaku dech. Hihi. Aku bingung dech. Padahal aku kan nggak kalah cantik sama yang lain. Aktingku juga oke. Trus bodi-ku juga yahud. Kira-kira kenapa yach? Garink nih nggak ada job. Tiap hari kegiatanku kalo nggak senam di sanggar Mbak Venna, aku nongkrong di PS. Lama-lama khan aku bisa bokek. Mana aku lagi nggak ada cowok lagi. Aduuuh, aku kan boring. Eh, kok jadi curhat sich? Hihi, jadi malu. Yach eniwei, tolong dong Neng Sarah, gimana caranya supaya aku diajak main sinetron lagi. Aku nggak mau popularitasku menurun drastis. Jangan sampe aku nanti kayak Silvana Herman. Aduh, amit-amit dech. Thanks yach Neng Sarah sebelumnya.

Putri.


Dear Put-Pat,

First of all let's get things straight, I don't watch Indonesian Sinetrons. Well, I do admit I did watch Noktah Merah Perkawinan, but then never again, because I realized it was one the biggest mistakes in my life.
Anyway, all I can tell you is this: you need to do something about your outfit. While I appreciate your approach to the "Perek Melawai" look; I love the way it doesn't scream hooker (only whispers) and the Skittles bracelet-earrings set which is just a cherry on top of a bad cake, unfortunately that is NOT what most producers are looking for right now. In case you haven't heard, they're looking for "Innocent Slut". And if you're wondering what it is, just look at Nia Ramadhani or The Virgin girls for reference.
But if you're really really reeeallly desperate, I suggest you to sleep with one of The Shankers or Punjabis. God knows it's a sure-fire way to nab a role in a sinetron, if only as an extra.
And lastly, whoever said that not appearing in any sinetron is a downhill road to unpopularity, is dead wrong. Two words: Rency Milano.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








Maia Ahmad

Maia, I feel that I need to question the state of your sanity. I mean, just look at you. There's not one single thing of your ensemble that is worth wearing. Who would wear those pieces? Who would wear the yellow t-shirt with one sleeve longer than the other? Okay, probably some deranged ABG singer like Cantika or Marshanda. How about the striped pants with strawberry cheesecake slice pattern and *gasp* matching glove/armcast/sarung HP Nokia Communicator thing-a-ma-jig? Hmmm, I think I saw that lady rocker Yosie Lucky wore those in 1989. And the white crochet tank-dress made from a tennis net? Maybe Gitty Srinita in "Gairah X" or that tranny tennis player Serena Williams for an MTV-Awards thing.

But the whole thing worn together? It took a truly brave aka mentally unstable person to have the nerve to wear those things all at once. Why, Maia? Are you suffering from some kind of abuse from your megalomaniac/chauvinistic husband? Or are you simply trying to follow in the footsteps of Melly Goeslaw who's already clinically proven crazy in the fashion department? Whatever it is, it's bad news. But being a deluded person that you are, I know you'd simply ignore these facts and believe that you're a fashion trendsetter in Indonesia. Oh well...

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Saturday, December 24, 2005




This is what happens to barbie dolls (read: yours truly Miss Diana Pungky) when they finally get married and get old - nothing! They still show up looking like drunken brats and make you want to vomit into your own mouth.

You know what? That is one cute purse, but don't you think you'd be better off with a whip instead? Trust me, it complements your look better...


Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Thursday, December 22, 2005


Hi kids, my name is Neng Sarah, and now it's time for an english lesson: whodoyouthinkheare style. Are you ready? Good. The first word we are going to learn today is...Nafa.

Nafa Urbach

NAFA
[adjective]
showing extremely poor taste and quality; disgusting to look at; ugly; hideous.
For example:
No Tamara, don't wear those shoes! They look so Nafa!
I really don't understand why Krisdayanti would wear that Nafa dress from Johannes Bridal.


DERIVATIVES
Nafafication [noun]
Nafafy [verb]
Nafaly [adverb]
Nafaness [noun]

Okay, now can you make your own sentence using the word Nafa?

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Wednesday, December 21, 2005


I thought I have seen it all. But once in a blue moon, I came across something so unexplainable I just don't know how to describe it. And that something, is like something Lusy Rahmawati wore...



Can somebody tell me what on earth is that ugly furry thing? Did she just sprain her neck, so she's wearing a designer neck-cast, designed by an Ewok? Did she just got bitten by a posessed animal and she's turning into a She-Wolf? Or did she just get a testosterone injection, so she's suddenly sprouting grey chest hair?

Well whatever it is, that thing is so frightening it's been giving me nightmares. Lusy, if you're wearing that thing for stylistic purpose, you're absolutely nuts. It's not Helloween, so there's no need to scare people with your outfit. Well, unless you're Nafa Urbach that is.

Neng "Scully".


Posted by Neng Sarah






Tuesday, December 20, 2005




Kudos to Cornelia Agatha who sucessfully managed to look like a tranny and a pregnant woman at the same time at last weeks's Festival Film Indonesia ceremony. Congratulations, Lia. You've simply outdone yourself. I'm sooo loving the puke-green strapless dress with the bleach effect on your C-U-Next-Tuesday.

NOT!!!

Neng Sarah.

PS. Uh'oh...Looks like someone has a bladder problem and peed all over herself while waiting for the "Pemeran Utama Wanita Terbaik" announcement. Super gross!! Oh Lia, I'm sooo getting you an adult diaper.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Monday, December 19, 2005




Here's an advice for you Dian, if you had gotten out of bed way too late to attend an award show, e.g. Festival Film Indonesia 2005, that you didn't have enough time to properly do your hair and put on a decent dress (No, I don't care how expensive it is, you can not at all circumstances wear a sleeping gown to an award show), it would probably be best if you shouldn't have bothered to come at all. Like hello??? You weren't even nominated girlfriend!

Mpok Jane.

PS: Wearing a silver glittery belt around your sleeping gown just below your breasts does not make it look half decent. It just shows that you got an issue in locating your waist line.


Posted by mpok jane






Friday, December 16, 2005


Ever since Agnes Monica showed up at Panasonic Awards looking like "Xena: The Harajuku Princess", her parents finally realized that their child is actually going insane. So they decided to put her in Helen Sparingga Mental Institution For Hasbeens And Wannabes in Parung, Bogor. I visited Agnes to do a little interview and see how she's holding up.

Agnes Monica

Hi, Agnes
Yo yo yo, Agnes is in the house y'all! Whaddup whaddup Neng Sarah?
I'm fabulous, Agnes. How are you?
No, bitch! That ain't it. Say it the way it's supposed to be. You know what I'm sayin'?
Yes, I know what you're talking about. But I'm not gonna say it.
Cmon, beyotch! Don't be trippin' on me. You're not down with me, is that what you're sayin, huh?
No Agnes, I'm not gonna...
(Starting to sing) Bi-hiiiilang sa-haaaaja bila kau...
STOP ITTT!!!!
Allright, allright!
*pauses*
Whaddup A'?

That's it! That's the shit, baby! A to tha G to tha NES. You're my peeps, Neng Sarah. You're my peeps. Whoa-whoaaa...
Anyway, how are they treating you here?
Like shit, fo shizzo! They going round actin' like I'm crazy and all. That ain't right, y'all. That ain't right! Cuz I ain't a crazy chica, y'all. I just look like one. Uhuh, yeaaa...
Yes, that explains the teenage mutant Gadis Marathon look you're sporting today. Oh and PS. I can see your vagina.
Whadaryatalkin' bout? This is my X-tina "Can't Hold Us Down" look, aiiight! Cuz X-tina's my ho. She's tha bomb-diggity. Shout out to Lady X, y'all! Hollaaaaa...
Anyway what I'm sayin' is, nobody can't hold me down, y'all. Nobody! Not even the doctors here. Even though they gave me valium and electric shock therapy and all that shit, you know. They still can't hold me down! Word.

(Meanwhile, female nurse is approaching us.)

It's time for your medication, Miss Monica.
What are you talkin' bout? I ain't crazy, bitch!! I'm aiiiiiiight...
Come on, Agnes. Let's get back to your ward.
*shrieking*
Nooooooo...
Get your hands off me!! Lemme goooooooooooooo...!!!

(Agnes is struggling like a wounded animal. The nurse had to hold Agnes down and pull her away.)

Bye, Agnes. Good luck with your therapy.
I ain't crazy!! You're all crazy!! I'm still Agnes, y'all. Keepin' it real. Don't forget my album "Whaddup A'?" drops on December 10! Real hip-hop style. Get it now, y'all. Get it, get it. Yep yep, that's me! Agnes from Cellblock 4 bangsal 11. Say whaaa... Say whaaaa....

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Thursday, December 15, 2005


Just what is it with these young stars? It's like they rise to stardom then they loose their senses for temperatures and continually mistake Jakarta for Alaska. First Marshanda in her walking sauna outfit and now Junot.



Although I must say I find you kinda cute Junot honey, I must also say that Jakarta averages at 33 degrees celcius year round. So a hooded jumper and a blazer on top of it? Ouuchh...Is it me or is it really hot here? Whaddaya say we get rid of all these pieces of clothings? Seriously, we won't be needing them, if you know what I mean...

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Wednesday, December 14, 2005


Tamara Blezynski

Tammy, how many times do I have to tell you to get a new fashion stylist? No seriously Tammy, this is a matter of life and death. I firmly believe your current stylist is a hack. Here's my theory: I think he/she is a professional hitman who poses as a stylist, hired by your sister Theresia Blezynski to kill you!! You know, because she's jealous of your career and all. Hello...? The Bodyguard, remember?

I mean, come on...how else are you going to explain that dress which actually looks okay but completely ruined by 3 sheets of nude-colored toilet paper dangling from your waist and a piece of old pantyhose criss-crossing on your torso? It's actually an X mark to assist the hitman on where to aim his gun, for a quick but deadly shot right on your heart.

Believe me Tammy, I know what I'm talking about. You'd better fire that stylist of yours ASAP and get a now one. Someone who is not going to kill you, literally and figuratively. You know, someone like...me, for instance. Well, you're interested, you know where to reach me, kay?

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Tuesday, December 13, 2005




Peace kiddo...not tryina be rude here but what the deal withchu lookin' all blonde and retarded? Ya followin' me? Blonde and retarded? Ya want me to spell 'em out for you? I'm tellin' ya dude, at this rate, ain't no chance for ya in gettin' them chicks, yaknowmean?

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane










As you have so aptly said it girlfriend...WHATEVER!!

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Monday, December 12, 2005


Venna Melinda

Venna, Venna, Venna...
No, I'm not here to tell you how much I hate you. Nor do I want to call Guiness Book of World Record and tell them I have found someone who deserves the title "Worst Dressed Woman Known To Mankind". Because, hey, you and the rest of the population of Indonesia already knew that, right? But I'm here right now because I want to talk to you about something really important. Heart to heart. Woman to woman. Okay, girlfriend? Good.

Venna...you're such a MF-ing callous and insensitive cow!!! No wait, that didn't come out right. Let me rephrase that.

Venna, I understand your burning desire to amaze the public aka humiliate yourself with your ludicrous sense of style. But please, woman...you're a wife and a mother. Don't you even care about your husband's and children's feelings? Don't you ever consider what your husband felt after his co-worker remarked, "I saw your wife on TV last night looking like a cross between Karina Kapoor and J-Ho"? And don't you ever think about how your children cry everytime their friends at school say, "My mommy said your mommy is crazy"?

Please Venna, think about it. Think about your family. Have some mercy for them. Don't be a heartless bitch like us. Don't let your husband menikah siri with some F-grade sinetron actress wannabe from Garut. Don't let your children have a new mommy whose real name is Leli Anjarwati. Save your marriage, Venna. Save your family.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Sunday, December 11, 2005




Two words for you, Donna Agnesia:
Mawar AFI.
Ew!

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








Shanty

Neng Sarah says:
Imbecile, bullimic, insanely irritating, slut-faced MTV VJ has-been who thinks she can sing just because she took vocal lessons from Bertha obviously got no taste in fashion whatsoever.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Will somebody put that thing out of her misery...


Posted by Neng Sarah






Saturday, December 10, 2005


Hello and welcome to another edition of Celebrity Deathmatch. Today is your lucky day because we have a very special fight for you. Ladies and gentleman, we present you "Whodoyouthinkheare's Bullfighting Match"!!!!

Rossa VS The Bull

"Hola, mi amigos! It's me, Rossa. Yes yes, it really IS me!! And yes, I know I look like a transvestite. Blame it on Derry, my makeup artist. Anyway, don't be fooled by the wig that I got, I'm still, I'm still Rossa from Sumedang. Kumaha, daramang sadayana? Alhamdulillah atuh. Si, mi amigos, I'm going to fight a bull in just a few moment. And no, don't you worry, I'm not gonna harm the animal. I'm just gonna lull the bull to sleep with my boring ballads, like "Nada-nada Cinta" and "Hati Yang Terpilih". Hahaha... Okay, I gotta go now. Wish me luck. Adios, amigos! No me ames, hasta manana...viva forever! Ole!!!"

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Friday, December 09, 2005


Question:
What is blue, looking like a rice sack tied somewhere beneath the breasts, clutching a leopard print saddle bag, and absolutely ugly it hurts to see it.

Answer:


Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Thursday, December 08, 2005


Aaahhh...Christmas is in the air!! And Miss Catherine Wilson here, supposedly one of Indonesia's most renowned models, is dressing up to the occasion...as SANTA'S LITTLE SLUT. She even got sprinkles of snow flakes on her dress, very clever indeed! I wonder what Mrs. Claus would make of this?



Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Tuesday, December 06, 2005




I must say Zacky, for someone who has reportedly been denying rumours of him being gay, you sure don't have any problems in getting in touch with your feminine side, do you? I mean, come on, pink shirt with bell-shaped arms, pink tie with flowery prints, white pants, a killer purple belt, and a red jacket in tow. Seriously, you could make Carson Kressley of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy look like a straight redneck standing next to you.

And one more thing, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, tell your girlfriend Miss Peggy Melati Sukma there that her plastic surgeon has succeeded...in making her look like a tranny and that she could do with better dress. Frankly, I didn't recognize her at first.

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane








Kids these days (yes I know this just added 10 years into my age)...



You...yes you young man, hype is that you're Indonesia's answer to Justin Timberlake. While I have never listened to any of your songs nor seen any of your videos, looking at you in that suit I can say that you're lucky enough to fare against Mansyur S. Huh...Justin would have killed himself over and over knowing this.

And you young lady...yes you, the one looking like an underage hooker. I need to have a word with your mother. What kind of mother would let her 15 year old daughter going out of the house scantily clad like that?

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Monday, December 05, 2005


Isn't it about time that someone send Miss Agnes Monica here to the Arkham Asylum?



Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane








And the award for Anita "I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World" Simorangkir Wannabe goes to...
Ratna Listy!!!



Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah










Are you sure, Anissa? Well, obviously neither you nor your mother has ever read our blog.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








Ever been curious what a hooker is going to wear on her wedding day when she's getting married to her pimp? Well apparently, this is what the wedding picture looks like.

Dewi Gita and Armand Maulana

The groom is wearing a jacket with suede panels over a white shirt and bright colored tie, paired with faded jeans and big buckled belt (shaggy 70's hair is optional).

And the bride is wearing a white tight mini dress with built-in armcast (to support her broken arm, after her pimp/boyfriend beat her up due to lack of income), adorned with what used to be her old cable-knit sweater which now looks like a huge kerupuk warung 200an on the bosom area and scrapes of white brocade fabric on the bottom of the dress for a touch of traditional wedding kebaya.

Aahhh, it really is a match made in Kali Jodo. Congratulations!

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Saturday, December 03, 2005


Some clueless Indonesian celebs think that they can pull off a Carrie Bradshaw look and got away with it.



Puhleeez, Dewi Rezer. You should be so lucky.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Hi, Marcell..! *wink wink*


Posted by Neng Sarah






Friday, December 02, 2005




If you have absolutely no idea who this woman is, you're not alone. But from what I read, her name is Emma Waroka Hawkins and she's the host of Fenomena Plus on Trans TV. Well, no wonder we don't know her, the show is unheard of. But nevermind her identity, she'd probably be forgotten in 3 months time anyway (unless she does a cheap publicity stunt, pronto). Let's just analyze her outfit and why she deserves to be on our list, shall we.

While I personally excuse the whole "Mama Emma, The High Class Pimp, goes to court" look, I just cannot forgive the gold Gucci knockoff belt worn lopsided over untucked shirt!! Please Emma, it's so disturbing. While you're at it, why don't you add a tas pinggang and just kill me, Emma. Kill, me! Oh Emma, why can't you dress like normal people? Tuck in your shirt, put on the belt on the belt loop of your skirt (where it's supposed to be) and help us heal the world, for you and for me and the entire human race. There are people dying, if you care enough for the living. Make a better place for you and for me.

For you and for meeeeee....

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








Hail to her royal highness, Angel Lelga, the Queen of Klingons!!



Mpok Jane.


After Rhoma Irama dumped her, chances are she's starting to lose her mind. I'm so not surprised if I met her at a traffic light dressed like that and sings,
"Bang Rhomaaa... Bang Rhomaaa...
Kenapa nggak pulang-pulaaaang...
Anakmuuu... anakmuuu...
Panggil-panggil namamuuu..."

Neng Sarah.


Posted by mpok jane








Have you ever wondered how Roy Boomerang, Bono, Avril Lavigne, and a Front Pembela Islam activist would look like when put together in one person?



This guy apparently thinks he's da bomb, judging from his grinnish smile and metal hand sign. We at whodoyouthinkheare, however, would rather think of him as the joke of the millenium. Period.

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane