Wednesday, November 30, 2005


Dear Andhara Early,



Just so you know, there is nothing metal about having a baby whose biological father is not your husband (or ex-husband in your case). If I were you I would shy away from human civilisation and restrain myself from making public appearances. And in the rare occasion where I should make a public appearance, going to Anugrah Musik Indonesia for instance, I would take great care in making sure that I look absolutely fabulous, as opposed to looking like a college student, complete with her sling bag in tow, who just got back from one of her classes. And I definitely also would not be caught dead wearing a huge gold belt that screams nothing but cheap. But that's just me - you, on the other hand, apparently have another thing in mind.

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Tuesday, November 29, 2005


Shanty paid an homage to her favorite divas by stealing bits and pieces from them to create this look.

Shanty>

The army look?
Madonna (The American Life stint).
The alphabet earring?
Kylie Minogue.
The sunglasses?
Jennifer Lopez.
The white boots?
Maissy (the annoying child singer, not Elliot).
The result?
Infinite ugliness!!

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Monday, November 28, 2005


Maia Ahmad showed us what (pre-party) Cinderella would look like if she were sent to a bootcamp in the ghetto by her evil stepmom.

maia ahmad

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








Hmmm...Let's see, what have we got here...



Fake burberry fedora hat...check
White blazer...check
Unbuttoned pink stripey shirt and no tie...check
Patched jeans (and one patch on his crotch, gosh what is he hiding?)...check
One bloated dangdut singer wearing see-through top and glittery tube underneath with um...glittery accessories? (seriously i don't know what it is) that goes around her neck and down to in between her breats and circles them making...errrr...an impression of a glasses with the two breasts as the eyes (what the fuck?), and not to mention a very very bad hair extention...check...check...check!!
Ohh wait...I almost forgot, huge glittery flower patch on her jeans...check

That's it!! That guy is officially a pimp and Iyeth Bustami is his ho! WHAT? Whaddaya mean that's her husband? No honey, they ain't fooling noone, they got a pimp and his ho written in bold letters all over them.

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Saturday, November 26, 2005


Someone should've stopped Venna Melinda from getting out of the house.



There are just too many things wrong with her, I think I'll use a dot point format so not to miss anything. Here goes:

  1. Venna baby, you are not Beyonce and this is not 1974, so hot pants is clearly not the smartest choice. Ooppss...did I say not the smartest choice? I'm sorry, I was being too kind. I had meant to say that it was not a choice AT ALL!!
  2. Who on earth told you that you should match your blazer with your hot pants? Well, maybe you should, but definitely not as in taking it so much as to have both made from the same fabric - especially when the fabric in question involves very ugly, cheap looking golden embroidery linings.
  3. Do you know the rule to making blazers? It goes something like the blazer should be loose enough to keep your breasts from springing out, yet tight enough so not to make some parts look sagging. You, sadly, have managed to get this rule somehow twisted around.
  4. Yellow bustier inside the blazer and nothing else? My god, Venna...you are going to an award show, not to an orgy party.
  5. I never ever see the point in wearing a collar, unless you're a dog or you're playing bondage S/M.
  6. You seem to have a problem in getting lengths right, don't you? Look, your blazer is too short and your hot pants, if you really must wear one, is not short enough. And while I usually can live with hanging sleeves, I really can't help but to find it look awkward on you.
  7. Why didn't you have your hair done, or at least have it tidied up?
  8. Your belt looks cheap and is distracting.
  9. Gypsy earrings are soooo J-Lo and god knows what has become of her now.
  10. Even the ring on your right index finger is distracting!!
Ohh my god, everything on you is wrong! Do you even have a mirror at home? I would be more than happy to give you one if you didn't.

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane










Hello, NASA? Yes, I am ringing to report a sighting of an alien. What? Noooo...I am not kidding sir, in fact I have never been more serious in my life before, I swear on my Prada collection! Look, sir you have got to believe me. She looks quite dangerous, she wears this white gown that covers almost all parts of her body except her head and hand. Yes sir, white gown, you got me right. What? Ohh Yes, she does look silly but what can you expect from an alien anyway? And she has this weird thing that goes around her neck and covers the upper part of her upper body. No sir, I don't know what it is. It could be a weapon of some sort, but it looks ugly for sure. And she has her hair made up in..um...do you watch star trek at all sir? You do? Good, you know how the alien queens usually have their hair divided in two and styled it so that it resembles a twin peak? Yes, that is how she styles her hair. Yea, poor alien, her planet must really lack good hairdressers. And what concerns me most sir is that this alien seems to have had a man under her captivity. What? No, I am sure that man is not an alien, he looks pretty normal. Oh sir, do believe me, you must attend to this, like ASAP! What? You want me to go to a shrink instead? What? I'm imagining things? Look here sir...hello? hello?


Mpok Jane.



There are very small amount of people who can pull off an Alexander McQueen. And you, Mbak Yanti, is not one of them. So, I suggest you to stick to something from Johannes Bridal. I think it's better for your taste.

Alexander McQueen Fall/Winter 2004 Collection

Neng Sarah.


Posted by mpok jane






Friday, November 25, 2005


Quick!! Someone!! Get me NASA on the line!!



I'm seeing an unidentified flying object on Andien's head!!

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Wednesday, November 23, 2005


Look, don't get me wrong here. I really am of the opinion that Dian Sastro is such a beauty and that she fares so much better against her counterparts in terms of acting. That said however, I am not going to let her get away with this:



Ohh Dian, this just distresses me. Who penetrated the idea into your head that you could get away with...um...THAT?? What is THAT anyway? It's yellow and shapeless and...well...UGLY!! You know what it looks like? It looks like one of those raincoats that you put on when you're riding on a motorcycle and then all of a sudden the rain starts falling and you put it on. Seriously, What is THAT? And more importantly, why are you wearing THAT? Are you of the belief that you're that hot and beautiful and all that you could actually get away wearing everything, including THAT? Well news flash honey: you have been wrong, like dead wrong! Look, I obviously am not a starlet like you are and some have suggested that I am just an actrees wannabe who fails miserably altogether, but I seriously wouldn't be caught dead wearing what you are wearing! I'm sorry to say this , but THAT - I would've said dress but is it even a dress? - simply writes UGLY in capital all over you.

And one more thing, loose the necklace dear. It looks like some cheap made in china plastic necklace (or is it?) and does nothing whatsoever to save your look. If the...errr dress?...writes UGLY in capital, the necklace bolds it.

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Tuesday, November 22, 2005




Oh my God, Sania...all this time we thought you were crazy, turns out you're pregnant! We at whodoyouthinkheare are deeply sorry for the rude comments we made about you. I truly understand that the hormonal changes of a pregnant woman can sometimes make her lose her mind, including the lost of fashion sense. Oh well, all is forgiven then. But we expect you to have your sanity back by the time the baby is born, kay?

Neng Sarah.

PS. I couldn't help but notice that your breasts are starting to sag. I'm also here to offer you my sincerest condolences for the loss of your infamous cleavage. What can I say? Maternity sucks. By the way, who's the unlucky guy?


Posted by Neng Sarah






Monday, November 21, 2005


Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another edition of Celebrity Deathmatch. For our second match, we present you "Battle of The Pseudo Twin Sisters".

Dewinta Bahar vs Anisa Bahar

On the orange corner: clad in literally head-to-toe orange and looking uncannily like a ripe California Sunkist...it's Dewinta Bahar!!

On the red corner: dressed in what appears to be a red jumpsuit (ew, jumpsuit!) with cut-out shoulders and barracuda-jaw sleeves, and jewelry suspiciously made from living earthworms...it's Anisa Bahar!!

Ladies, let's begin the rampage!!!

Anisa doesn't waste a single minute. She ferociously jumped at Dewinta and ripped her orange wig off. Oh no ladies and gentlemen, evidently Dewinta is completely hairless!

"Look everyone...she's bald! Hahaha..."

"It's genetic, you bitch!", cried Dewinta.

"Oh yea? If it's genetic, how come I still have hair?", Anisa laughed like a maniac.

Dewinta is furious. She sprang like a puma and attacked Anisa by pulling her Supermi hair extension.

"Oh nooo!!! My hairrr!!! My expensive hair extension from Salon LuTuYeSokCantikAmatSihSoWhatGituLohEmangGuePikirin..."

Anisa kneeled and scraped her false hair from the floor in blind panic. Without hesitation, Dewinta kicked Anisa right in the face with her Yongki Komaladi stilleto.

"OMIGOD...my noooseeee....!!!", Anisa cried and held her now crooked nose. "What am I gonna do? Who's gonna fix it now that Haji Jeje's in prison?"

Dewinta laughed victoriously and pranced around the ring. "Eat that, you fake-haired fake-nosed fake-named fake-aged fake-rape scenario bitch!!"

"That's it!!!", Anisa exploded in fury. "You asked for it! You're DEAD!!!"

Dewinta looked at Anisa in horror. She knew something horrifying is about to happen.

Anisa got up and stood in silence.

"Go to hell, you ugly cunt!!!"

And with that, she unleashed her final lethal weapon: her voice and her signature Goyang Patah-Patah. She lifted her arms above her head and started singing.

"Hiiiidup penuuuuuhhhh.....liku-liiiiiiikuuuuuuuu......"

"Nooooooooooooooo.......", Dewinta shrieked like a banshee. She tried to cover her ears, but it was useless. Anisa's voice is just too powerfully horrible.

"Ada sukaaaa....ada duuuukaaaaa.....", Anisa continued singing and gyrating her hips.

Dewinta fell on the floor unconcious. The medical team bursted into the ring and rushed Dewinta to the nearest ER.

But Anisa just wouldn't stop singing and dancing.

"Semua insannnn....pasti pernah... merasaaaakannnyaaaaaaaaaaaaa...!!!"

Suddenly, a giant spotlight dropped from the ceiling and crushed Anisa to pieces. Her fat splattered everywhere and her plastic nose rolled on the floor next to the remains of her hair extension.

Yes ladies and gentleman, Anisa Bahar is tragically killed by her own voice. So I hereby tell you that, sadly, we don't have any winner on this match. See you next time on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Saturday, November 19, 2005

Friday, November 18, 2005


Quick!! Someone pass on that red nose to Dewi Sandra!! That's the only thing she is short of in order to fully disguise herself as a CLOWN!



I think I know now why Surya Saputra divorced her, like how would you like to have a wife who cross-dresses as a clown?

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane








If there's anything worse than a jumpsuit, it's *shudder* an ugly sheer and glittery jumpsuit, with sequinned bra and high-cut panties underneath.

Mayangsari

Mayang, you're supposed to be a singer not a stripper. I suggest you to cover up next time. Hmmm, with a kimono, perhaps?

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Thursday, November 17, 2005


Somebody obviously forgot to remind Melly Zamri aka Putri Malam to put her wig back on before getting out of the house...



Bad Person!! Do you not see how embarrassed she looks? As if her career (err...that is if you consider shouting "yuuukk maanggg" every now and then a career) hasn't been embarrassing enough, now she has to suffer through this because of you. Will a piano or something the size of texas just fall from the sky upon him please...thank you very much.

And now can someone please pass on a brown paper bag to this poor Putri Malam? She needs it desperately to cover her head, thank you very much...

Mpok Jane.



I pity this woman. She shaved her head for a publicity stunt and then actually flaunted it because she believed she looked great looking like a holocaust victim. Melly, how low can you go?

Neng Sarah.


Posted by mpok jane






Wednesday, November 16, 2005




Wow Marshanda, you look SO HOT! I mean, sweating hot. Are you ill? Or are you trying to lose some weight, so you created your own portable sauna? News flash, honey: Jakarta is not Siberia. So a mohair sweater over a turtleneck sweater is a deathwish and absolutely unnecessary. God, I need a fan.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








Well, not that I was expecting Nafa Urbach to come up looking all elegant and sophisticated.

BUT...



Ohh my friggin god!! What is that she's wearing? Was she just going through a garbage dump and found that thing and thought that it would be nice to wear it? Look Nafa, if you had found it in a garbage dump then it was there for a very good reason. It looks as if a flock of famished rats had just gone through it and had a festivity over it. Did you even have it laundried prior to wearing it?

Will the earth just open up now and swallow her? I really can't stand seeing her like this, she looks...um...torn...literally...

Mpok Jane.


Nafa, oh Nafa, you look like a gladiatress who just fought a lion.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by mpok jane






Tuesday, November 15, 2005


I sometimes wonder why she even bothers to wear anything...


No Anissa, a loose see-through piece of fabric tied somewhere between your breasts does not constitute a piece of clothing.

Yes Anissa, I am being a bitch here - but at least I am keeping my torso beautifully concealed, not like some people...

No Anissa, I don't envy you - I'd rather slit my wrist than to envy you.

Yes Anissa, your jeans IS too small - your vagina is practically fighting its way out of it ewwww...

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Sunday, November 13, 2005


BREAKING NEWS!!

We at whodoyouthinkheare have discovered the evil mastermind who is responsible for bringing The Avian Influenza epidemy to Indonesia.
It's Lusy Rahmawati!!



But do not panic, people. We have captured the subject at a recording studio while she is recording her new single "Hey, We Want Some Lusy" for her upcoming album, entitled Lu-Rah.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








As if being crowned as one of Indonesia's foremost divas is not enough, Krisdayanti is eyeing to be crowned as Miss Earth as well. And in attempts of securing the title, she has been spotted in dresses boasting elements of nature.


Here she is wearing a swamp thing bride inspired dress wich boasts to have more flowers than Taman Bunga Mekarsari does.


Another occasion finds her exploring more of the wildside in a peacock inspired top - please note that no peacock was harmed in the making of that top.

Ully Sigar Russady, WATCH YOUR BACK!!

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Friday, November 11, 2005


Here's a tip for married couples everywhere. Please do not, I repeat, do not wear anything that belongs to your spouse. Take it from me, it'll NEVER EVER WORK.
Right, Mr. Dewi Gita?

Armand Maulana

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Thursday, November 10, 2005


Dear Miss Peggy Melati Sukma,



Although I know you must really hate me to death, be assured that the feeling is not mutual. I really do love you, seriously. And to proof my love to you, I am offerring you a very good advice, FIRE YOUR STYLIST AND MAKE-UP ARTIST!! Well unless you wish to continually be mistaken for a 'taman lawang banci'. Honestly dear, my six year old niece was like "wowww...this guy is sooooo like a woman, he's perrtyyyy..." when she saw your picture. And believe me, never underestimate the power of a six year old's words...

Much Love,
Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane









Agnes, you scare the bejeezus out of me! How do I say it? Your look so bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Like a lunatic. L-U-N-A-T-I-C! It's so f-ing hideous. H-I-D-E-O-U-S! You need to see a psychiatrist. S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y!!!!

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Wednesday, November 09, 2005


Ladies, gentlemen, and children of all ages. Welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch. For our first fight, we present you "Battle Of The Christmas-Tree Wig".

Elma Theana vs Peggy Melati Sukma

On the red corner: with two marriage and one hummiliating affair under her ornately-studded belt, and a protruding tummy that could smack the shit out of her opponent...it's Elma Theana!

And on the blue corner: with two flopped albums, one suspiciously gay boyfriend and the power of makeup that would make any transvestite bow down before her feet...it's Peggy Melati Sukma!

Who looks deadlier? We'll let you decide.

Okay ladies, get ready to rumble...!!

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Tuesday, November 08, 2005


alya rohali

Once upon a time there was a former Putri Indonesia who got so poor (due to her high-cost hair extension and rebonding treatment), she couldn't afford to buy any new clothes. One day she got invited to the launching party of a sinteron called "Virgin: Ketika Keperawanan Dipalsukan". Determined to resurrect her once dim acting career and find a new husband, she decided to come to the party. So she put on the only items she had on her closet: her old tanktop, jeans, her grimy handbag, and her cardigans which had been ripped to shreds and eaten away by rats, moths, and other living creatures that lived in her shabby shack.

To be continued...

Neng Sarah.



It then turned out that the princess being poor was a curse passed along as each new princess resumed the Putri Indonesia title.



And certainly the curse hasn't escaped the current Putri Indonesia. Here she was attending the premiere of "Apa Artinya Cinta?" wearing what apparently was left of her used-to-be-very-lovely-but-now-has-been-torn-apart-pink sweater. It troubles me to see such beautiful princess in such distress, I think I will donate to her one of my only-been-worn-once Marc's sweater.

Mpok Jane.


Posted by Neng Sarah








O' my...



Look, I can understand the gloves. He might've just gone back from a cross country cyling trip and didn't have time to take them off. I can also understand the wristband which, oddly enough, is being worn nearer to his elbow instead of his wrist where it's supposed to be - I suspect it might be too loose for his skinny wrist. He might need it to wipe his sweat off while strutting his stuffs on stage. Same thing goes for the black vest and white shirt, perfectly understood! They really do go together.

BUT, I JUST CAN'T GET MY HEAD AROUND THAT HORRONDEOUS TIE!!

What's the deal here Armand? First of all, it's green!! My hatred for green stuffs aside, it is not even soft green - it's peppermint ice cream green!! Yuckk...Secondly, ties go inside the vests - you don't just let it hang loose, especially when it's too long as in your case. And thirdly, why bother wearing a tie when you won't even bother to wear a suit? Look, if you were a lead singer of a high school rock band whose biggest (and only) achievement was having played in their school's prom nite, this would be tolerable, not exactly okay but tolerable. But you are the lead singer of GIGI, hello?? You dissapoint me Armand, now I will never be able to listen to your songs again without having to think of that stupid green tie. Ohhh scary...

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane








Kalina

Dear Deddy Corbuzier,

Instead of doing unimportant and useless trick, why don't you make your allegedly-gothic high-testosterone wife/assistant/servant Kalina dissapear....forever!! At least then you'll be doing something benevolent to human kind.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Sunday, November 06, 2005




Ohhh...I am just dying to meet whoever it was that said that it's okay to wear long sleeves underneath short sleeves. It is just ugly, period. And this goes for you too Mbak Minati! Why? Ohh my god why? I mean, first of all, if you are doing this for religious purposes, you could've asked for a long sleeve promotional shirt. You are a prominent actrees, I am sure the producers would've given you one had you asked for it. And secondly, well if you really really really must have it that way - i.e. the producers refuse to give you a long sleeve shirt on the basis that you are lucky just to be in the movie so cut the crap bitch! - would it have killed you to at least better color coordinate? This will really save you the risk of being mistaken for a PDI Perjuangan scout woman...

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Saturday, November 05, 2005


Annisa Bahar is feeling generous people, she is giving us a peek into her heart, literally!



That is very nice of you Anisa, however, I would've appreciated it more had you given us a scoop on your real age instead...

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Wednesday, November 02, 2005


Quick...someone pass me my Ray Ban!!



Woww...Tere, you look um...'blinding'...I thought you only wore black? Why the change honey? Not to say that you looked fab in black though, but at least then you didn't look like a delluded girl dressing up in her mother's draperies. And what's the deal with the ribbons honey? There are just too many of them at all the wrong places. Like you don't exactly tie ribbons around your elbows, period.

Did your husband make you wear this dress? You should've known better not to listen to him honey, men are such tasteless and clueless barbarians. They don't really care about how you look, seriously they only care about how you look naked...

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Tamara Blezynski

Tamara, I know how difficult it must be for you going through a much-publicized divorce. The stress from it could trigger you to do crazy things. Believe me, I've been there myself. But you know what, honey? No matter how hard it was, I was still able to get it together. And looking back, I don't think I ever did something stupid and embarrassing like...hmm, let say...wearing my brassiere outside my dress!!! So please, Tamara...if you feel that you can't take it anymore, go seek some guidance. Go to an ustadz or something. Or better yet, get a better designer. I'm sure it helps.

Oh, one more thing. Could you stop starring in sinetrons like Ikhlas, Hikmah, Insaf or something like that, please? It's boooring. Find an edgier role. Play a hooker, or a transgendered woman, or a bitchy two-bit fashion-editor wannabe who ended up making a brainless web log which comments Indonesian celebrities' fashion debacles. It could be interesting. Well, just a thought.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Is your ex-husband seeing anyone currently? Can I get his phone number? Please, please, please?


Posted by Neng Sarah