Sunday, October 30, 2005

Aahhh...Helloween is in the air. 'Tis the time to dress up in something horrifying, go out and have a good time.

Hmmm, wait...but that happens everyday here. Oh well, let's just take a look at the pictures taken at last year's festivities.

Inul Daratista as Cruella DeVille.


Krisdayanti as Hedwig (of The Angry Inch) on a tropical vacation.


Melanie Subono as a TKW who is convicted of murdering her employer in Baghdad.


Peggy Melati Sukma as Couture Tinky-Winky.


Reza Artamevia as Dipsy in Versace.


Reza Artamevia (again!) as Religious Po.


And Umi Elvy Sukaesih as an ageing male crossdesser.


Happy Helloween, everyone!!

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Saturday, October 29, 2005




"Hi people. It's me! What..? You don't know me? How dare you! It is I, Mulan Ratu. Well, actually it's Mulan Kwok. But who cares about my old last name? It's fake anyway. The important thing is, I'm a Ratu now! Hahaha...eat your heart out Pinkan Mambo! You sure aren't Baik-Baik Saja now huh, bitch? Hahaha...

Take a good look at me, friends...(I'm calling you friends because my latest album is titled "Ratu & Friends"; available on CD and Cassetes at record stores near you) aren't I better than Pinkan? Of course I am! I'm everything more than she will ever be. Look at my yellow top! I got more fabric than Princess Diana's wedding dress. Look at my jewelry! I got more metal than PT Krakatau Steel. Hahaha...everything about me is more...more...more!!! No wonder Maia dumped that Miss I-got-pregnant-and-I-don't-know-who-the-father-is. At least if I got pregnant, I know who the father is...it's Dhani Ahmad! Hahaha...whoops! Please Jangan Bilang Siapa-Siapa, especially Maia. Dhani & I are just Teman Tapi Mesra (which is also the title of my new single, people).

Oh, look everybody, it's my boss! Hey, Maia...let's strike a pose!



Okay, people. I have to go now. I have to be on stage in 10 minutes and I have to warm up my vocal first. See you later, friends! And oh, don't you ever forget me again!

Sincerely yours,
Mulan "Ratu" Kwok."

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Friday, October 28, 2005


Dear Joy (this is getting to be a habit),



I really hate to point out a person's shortcomings (yea...yea...), but are you aware that your hair is all red and all standing up? It looks scary...seriously it makes you look like a bloated version of Cruella DeVille.

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane








Dear Joy,



We get it honey, you like roses. And you know what? We don't care! But thanks anyway for letting us know.

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane










Ohh Dhani...seriously would it have killed you to at least comb your hair before getting out of the house?

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane







Dear Masayu Anastasia,



If you really really really really reaalllly must wear a swimsuit with your jeans, please please pleeeease wear the swimsuit UNDER your jeans. Thanks.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Thursday, October 27, 2005


Sophia Latjuba is one beautiful lady, but she seems to be forgetting the basic concept of what a dress is...



So dearie Sophia, although this might escape your logic, a dress is basically pieces of fabrics sewn, NOT strapped, together. To be honest, your dress here looks...um...unfinished...

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Wednesday, October 26, 2005


This is just bad...



Tube AND halter top?? But then again, I shouldn't have been too surprised. What can you expect anyway from a rapper whose wisest line is, "So what kalo gaya gue lebih hore? So what kalo hidup lo jadi mele?"...

Mpok Jane.


In case everybody's wondering what this tube-top-over-bra ensemble would like on other human being, let's take a look at Miss Carrie Bradshaw over here, shall we...



Okay, now i'm convinced. It's not the outfit. It's the person.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by mpok jane






Monday, October 24, 2005


I am just wondering what Teuku Firmansyah has on his mind...



"Wait...hold that tought! This is all her brilliant idea! She made me wear this blue stripey shirt, if you can call this a shirt. Thank god I shaved my chest just the other day. And no...I am totally clueless of what she's up to. She just had this wonderful idea of wearing everything blue and I don't know where she got that blue halter top. It looks okay I guess...if you're going to the beach!! And ohhh I know...the skirt...wait...that is not a skirt, that's actually our table cloth. You see she was a bit frustrated at not being able to find a matching skirt, then she just saw this table cloth on our dining table(damnit!! i shouldn't have changed the table cloth this morning!) so she took it and "transformed" it into a skirt. Yes...yes...I know we look weird, you don't have to give us that look, don't think I don't know it! And you know what's scarier? She even tried to make me wear a hawaian shorts! Ohhh thank god she couldn't find one that actually matched, i.e. one that was predominantly blue, so she let me wear this jeans instead. Oooo man....why is she all smiles now? I am like so embarrassed, I wish the earth would just open and swallow me..."

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane










Please people, hold your laughter. You have to understand Miss Monica for looking like this. It's because she is one busy gal!

After doing a stage play of Putri Sin Ye 2005: The Ghetto Life, she's off to SCTV Awards ceremony accepting her award for Best English-Speaking Celebrity In A Third World Country (beating out fellow nomineees Nafa Urbach, Sania, and Sarah Azhari), then to Taiwan to for a skiing trip with one of the members of F4 (now that "Asteroid Garden" has finished shooting).

So, that explains the kabuki-style make up, the gold beaded top, the tin foil skirt, the matching beaded leggings, the skiing jacket and hat.

Oh, alright... now you can laugh.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Saturday, October 22, 2005


Speaking of Nirina and rice-sack looking dresses, she must've loved them sooo much, she decided to wear a real rice sack.



Since she left MTV Indonesia (was laid-off, to be exact), Nirina has so much free time on her hand, she started becoming a part-time eco-friendly designer (i.e. to release her creativity and show her awareness to the environment). One of her creations is this 100% natural peasant dress, made from burlap aka karung goni, dyed in real horse solid waste and adorned with rice and red beans.

Simply genius, Nirina! I'm voting for you as the recipient of 2006 Kalpataru Award.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Friday, October 21, 2005


This is just bizzare...



I thought halloween is like what? 10 days from now? It is? right...then, what the hell is Nirina doing all dressed up as Roxie Hart? She looks really weird, seriously...I mean, the dress is just unflattering and definitely too big for her, it hangs too low exposing almost half of her boobs eewww...But wait...the worst is yet to come. I don't know what devil compels her to do this, but she actually tied a belt around the dress as if her whole social status depends on it. What the fuck?? Doesn't she know that belts are not supposed to go with one piece dresses? Looking at her like this I can't help but to think of a rice sack...

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Thursday, October 20, 2005


I am just wondering when people will start to dress their size...



Fla honey...get over it, you are not a size 8! Be a good girl and change to a size 14 okay? You are looking all muffin in that dress, it's as if your body, particularly your boobs, is ready to explode out of the dress. Uuugghhhh....

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane







Dewi Gita

Quick question: name one Dewi Gita's hit song? C'mon... Anyone?? Can't remember? Well, maybe it's because she DOESN'T HAVE a hit song! So that's why she dressed like this (i.e. like an aerobics instructor by day, 50.000-a-pop road whore by night). It's just a cheap ploy to get our attention so that we still remember her!

So no, Dewi, I'm not gonna comment on your high-waisted nude pleather pants that accentuates your excess baggage, nor your matching mock-croc halter top that makes your chest looks flat. No dear, not even the earrings, the makeup, or the hair. Because we all know that you have suffered enough from your dead-end career.

So what I'm going to do is tell you to come home. Back to your humdrum life. Back to your husband and daughter who loves you even if you're just a singer with no luck. Please, come back home, Dewi. See the light.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Annisa Tri Hapsari (or Banowati? whateva!!) is taking the term colour coordination to a whole new height...



Instead of matching the jacket with a hand bag or shoes like normal people would, she matches it with her hair! What have you been reading Annisa? Pippy Longstocking?

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Tuesday, October 18, 2005

O' my god...



Is that a globe she's wearing for her necklace? Sherina honey, you got issues...

Mpok Jane.


That's not a necklace. That's a torture device. If it were a necklace, she must've stolen it from Wilma Flintstones. Oh, my neck hurts just by looking at you, Sherina.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Hey, you've got boobs now. Girl, you'll be a woman soon...


Posted by mpok jane








Dear Dian,



Your mother just called, she said she would like her "konde" back.

Yours truly,
Mpok Jane.



Oh god, she looks like Nyonya Suharti meets Donna Summer during her 70s heyday.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by mpok jane









Here's a tip for Annisa Tri Banowati... Hapsari... whatever her name is, and all of you pretty ladies out there: when it's that time of the month and or you're feeling a little bloated, please restrain yourself from wearing something white and something clingy. It will save yourself from public humiliation in the future. Oh, and please don't add something (like a silver sash) which only going to draw our attention to the problem area.

You know that this picture reminds me of? Sophia Latjuba on her wedding day to Michael Villareal. The difference is, Miss I-didn't-have-an-affair-with-Sultan-Djorghi here is not pregnant. Or is she? Anyway, when you're tummy looks slightly larger than your breasts, you know it's not good.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah







Pinkan Mambo

Here is Pinkan Mambo and another one of her cheap publicity stunt: her declaration as a high class hooker (yeah right, as if we didn't know it yet!)

Neng Sarah.

PS. Pinkan, did you just get a facelift or something? Your face looks so..... taut.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Sunday, October 16, 2005


I don't know which is more embarrassing, having announced that you are off to LA to be in the final round of an international reality show and ACTUALLY flown there only to find that you are not in the list (ANY list!) or being caught in public wearing pinstriped black/purple shirt with what appears to have been hoped to be passed on as a tie tied horribly around your neck.



But i believe that Armand Maulana thinks the former is, hence his outfit.

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane






Friday, October 14, 2005


Agnes Monica is taking the term "wear it like a tatoo" too LITERALLY...



She is all: Woo-hooo...check out the fake tatoos fellas! I am like all street and all that...

And I am just like: SAY WHAT????

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane








Time for a little trivial quiz everyone...

Q: How do you know when to sue your stylist/make up artist for negligence act?



A: When people start to mistake your age to be 5-10 years older

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane








Audy

Audy, you know what? You're beginning to look like Kirstie Alley -- on her bloated days.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








Cynthia Lamusu

When Cynthia Lamusu from AB3 heard they're doing an Indonesian version of Flashdance, she leaped at the chance and went to the audition in her best spandex leotard. But foolishly, she forgot to change before going to a wedding reception afterward and we caught her red-handed when she was about to hit the buffet.

Nola

Pssst... turns out, fellow AB3-er Nola, secretly auditioned as well. Here she is still in the waiting room, in her rendition of Jennifer-Beals-goes-to-the-welding-factory look, with asymmetrical top, hot yellow bra, and chandelier "i-weld-it-myself" earrings.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








And The Carrie Bradshaw Fashion-Daredevil Award goes to... Katon Bagaskara!!

Katon Bagaskara

Dear Mbak Ira Wibowo,

I know it's impossible to convince your husband to change his hairstyle, but can't you do something with his wardrobe? Because my eyes just cannot be tormented with such sartorial pandemonium any longer.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Oh, one more thing Mbak Ira. Please return the jacket to Elton John and the pants to Jon Bon Jovi. Thanks.


Posted by Neng Sarah






Thursday, October 13, 2005


There are points in my life when words just fail me.

And I believe now is just one of those...



WHAT THE FUCK???????

Mpok Jane.



Dear my lovely readers. Please excuse me while I make a very important phone call...

Hello...
Hi, Nafa, it's me Neng Sarah...
What? Oh, yes honey, I hate you too. But that's not the reason I call you. I'm calling you because I want to ask you something personal. But please don't be angry, okay?
Good.
Ummm Nafa, are you starting to lose your mind? Are you beginning to go insane? Because I'm looking at your picture, and you look like you belong in a mental institution.
No, I'm not kidding...
What? No? You're fine? Are you sure?
Okay then, can you please tell me what's the deal with the outfit you wore to MTV Icon?
Oh, you were trying to look cute, hip
AND sexy at the same time.
Nuh-uh, honey...it's not working. The boa and the fuzzy jacket makes you look like a stuffed animal.
What Japanese look? I don't see it...
And about the top, is it like a reject from Britney Spears' "I'm A Slave For You" video?
Oh, it's a reject from your "Lebih Baik Putus" video which is a Britney Spears' "I'm A Slave For You" rip-off.
But what is it anyway? It looks like a bra with pieces of fabric dangling from it. But if it were a bra, how come it does not support your breasts the way it supposed to? And your hair? Did you just roll out of bed with your hair curlers still sticking in your hair?
Yes...yes, honey...I
AM a bitch and I know you hate me. And I hate you too, I told you that.
What? Screw me?? I
WISH someone would screw me. I haven't gotten laid in weeks!!
Waiittt...
Hello...? Nafa...?
Hello...?


Oh well, where was I?

Neng Sarah.


Posted by mpok jane






Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Dear Students,

Our lesson today is on Fashion Malfunctions by Young Actresses. To support discussions, please examine closely figure 13 on page 25 of your text book. The picture is of Anggia Yulia Hanafi, a lousy actrees/worse script writer.



Now, would anyone like to comment on the picture?

"The dress is badly sewn."

Alright, that's a good one. You will notice uneven seams in the dress, particularly on her right hand side, if you examine closely. That is one good observation, thank you. Anyone else would like to comment?

"The dress is not her size."

Okay, interesting...mind elaborating more on that?

"Um...the dress is like pretty tight around her torso and quite loose around her armpits, so I assume that is not her size."

Hmm...okay, nice catch there. I actually missed that one. Anyone else?

"The accessories look cheap and unflattering, i.e. the earrings are humongous and distracting. The Cleopatra-inspired thing around her neck is just stupid, and what is that thing she wraps around underneath her breasts? Is it meant to support her breasts? If so, I can suggest this thing of the same function that actually goes beneath her dress, it's called strap bra (surprise...surprise...)."

"I just would like to make a quick comment on the make up. It makes her look as if someone has just smacked her right in the eye."

Beautiful everyone! I am very pleased! You surely have demonstrated a good analytical skill in the subject. Ooopss...we're almost running a bit over the hour. Class dimissed everyone...

Mpok Jane PhD.



Anggia who? Neng Jane, please forgive me for my ignorance, but... who the hell is that girl? I don't even know her!
But one thing I do know for certain is, that poor girl must have acutely sagging breasts. Because apparently a bustier is not enough to support her boobies, she also needs some kind of strappy apparatus to hold them up.
No wait, two things actually. That, and her vagina looks so abnormally bulky. It looks like it's about to pop up!!
Eeeeewwww, scary....

Neng Sarah.


Posted by mpok jane








Dear Revaldo,



I perfectly understand that you are busy dealing with your law suit and all, it's all good baby. But please...please...for the fucking love of god...have a hair cut, a good one...like NOW!

Yours truly,
Mpok Jane


Posted by mpok jane






Sunday, October 09, 2005




"Yo!! 'Sup everyone? Dewi here...You know what? I am like soooooo excited 'bout the whole Titie DJ concert thingie. But shit man...you know how the shittiest thing happen when you're like soooo excited? I got out of bed late, like really really late! I didn't really have time to do anything, but I wouldn't miss the show for anything. Hello?? This is Titie DJ we're talkin' 'bout!! So, jumping out of bed, I grabbed just any shirt I could lay may hands on. Pssttt...tell you the truth I don't really know whose shirt I am wearing now. I know it's a bit shapeless and like what...1 or 2 size bigger, but hey...told ya I was in a hurry. So cut me some slack alright? Same thing goes for the skirt, belt, and the bag. I picked them up as I went along. The skirt wasn't originally this short, but I had just this really great idea to shorten it on my way here. It was a good thing that the driver kept a scissor in the car. So voila...looks great isn't it? And my hair...ohhh how I am so thankful I decided to have it shortened just the other day. So like I didn't really have to do anything with it, I didn't even need a comb or anything. I just ran my fingers through it and it was done! And the make up...well a few brushes here and there, heavy make up is like soooo last week. Noone really wears make up to concerts these days, right? So here I am...all ready for the concert. I just hope my bag won't hit anyone when I shake my booty off the floor. I'm out everyone!!"

Mpok Jane.


Posted by mpok jane










The picture puzzles me. No...not in a olga-lidya-looks-horrible kinda way. She does look horrible, of that I have no doubt whatsoever; the hair being most strikingly horrible as if Katrina in all its glory has just blown through it. It's just that I don't really get what she is trying to get at, like she is really all over the place but not in a good way. The Astro Boy shirt, the sling bag, and the (what appears to be) tartan skirt (or pants?) are strong indicators of her going for a school girl look. However, the hair and make up have the word slut (with a capital S) written all over them. I can appreciate multiple goals in business or careers, but definitely not in fashion. So what's it going to be Olga honey? Be a good girl (or slut) and just choose...

Mpok Jane.

PS: A very dear friend of mine suggested that whoever did the hair should be sent back to Rudy Hadisoewarno Training School. I say put him (her) behind bars altogether! Given what he (or she) has done to Olga Lidya, suffice to say that he (she) is a menace to society.


Posted by mpok jane






Saturday, October 08, 2005


As if having bad hair day isn't enough. Now, we also have: bad wig day...

Chintami Atmanagara7
Princess Chintami Atmanagara and her severe shag.



Sania and her Harajuku-girl hair havoc.



Sania (again!!!???) and her Brenda-Walsh-meets-Sadako wig.



And Nirina and her blue...wait... WHATTT?? That's her real hair??!! Whoops. Sorry Nirina...

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah










There's nothing wrong with Cut Tari in this picture. In fact, she looks radiant as the lady in red. A bit too heavy on the foundation perhaps (notice the mask-like border on her forehead), but still... she's lustrous.

The reason I'm posting her here is because I just wanna mention how much I envy her for succesfully nabbing such a gorgeous and super luscious husband. I mean, look at that guy! Look! Such a fine specimen of manhood. And at the risk of sounding like Paris Hilton, "That's HOTT!".

Why God? Why?? Why am I stuck with a child and no man in sight? Not even that Carascalao kid whom (I think) is the father of my little boy. Lord, are you punishing me? Is it because I'm such a bitch? I promise I'll be good. I won't make nasty comments to those ludicrous-looking people anymore. If you would only give me a man (preferrably Cut Tari's husband. Make that EX-husband. Haha. SNAP!). Please, Lord. Send me a lover. Someone to believe in. Please send me someone that I can hold...

Okay, Cut Tari, this is war! Just watch your back. You'd better dress nicely or I'm coming to get you.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








Dear Nova Eliza,

Nova Eliza

Exactly what were you thinking when you got out of your house dressed like that? Were you thinking, "I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to boot. I'm bitchin', great hair, the boys all love to stare. I major, I roar, I swear I'm not a whore"? Is that it? Well I got news for you: yes dear, you're major alright. A major fashion fiasco! Honey, haven't you ever heard? Two wrongs don't make it right. Let me do the math for you:
a tropical skirt
+
a slightly oversized t-shirt worn a la Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles
+
kemoceng earrings
=
a laughing stock.

Oh, get a mirror, Nova. A big one! Because you look like a deranged 80's belly dancer.

Neng Sarah.

PS. I'm dying to find out what kind of shoes you wore with that. Please give me a call. Thanks. Luv ya!


Posted by Neng Sarah








Pinkan Mambo

Now I know what happens to Pinkan Mambo after she left Ratu. It's either she's a:

  1. A symphatizer of a certain political party.

  2. A sales promotion girl for YOU-C 1000 (and judging from the cut of the top: the night shifts, of course).


Oh, how very acidic of you, Pinkan. I'm getting my daily dose of Vitamin C just by looking at this picture.

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








Tired of being the star of lousy C-grade sinetrons, Asti Ananta steered her career into a new direction... as Indonesia's Martha Stewart of Fashion. Here, she demonstrates her first creation.

Asti Ananta

The Retro J-Lo Top aka When-Modesty-Calls Top

Ingredients:
1 scarf or sheer piece of fabric (approx. 150x150cm)
1 large brooch

Directions:
Wrap scarf around shoulders horizontally. Meet the ends on left/right shoulder. Secure with a brooch.
Voila!

PS. Should be worn only as a decoration or cover up. Please remember to wear something else underneath.

Oh look, she's got a follower already. It's none other than Her Royal Highness of "Catfights, Lawsuits & Blackmail-dom", Yuyun Sukowati.

Yuyun Sukowati

"Greetings, people! Who wants a piece of meee??"

Hail to The Queen Bitch!!

Neng Sarah.


Posted by Neng Sarah








Oh, what can you do with Jakarta's weather? It's too hot for a jacket and it's too cold for a tank-top (those freezing Air Conditioning system, you know). Thankfully, we have people like the ever-oh-so-fashionable Elvara to give us the ever-oh-so-fashionable solution to this perplexing situation, at Titi DJ's concert recently. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you Elvara and her latest invention...THE ONE-SLEEVE THINGY!

Elvara & Jay Subiakto

Brava Elvara! How very genius of you to concoct such a marvelous piece of apparel. It salvages our delicate shoulder from the harsh climate, and it fits in our fake Fendi clutch! You just saved our lives! *padding my moist eyes dry with a tissue* For this remarkable achievement, I bestow you a star on our "Fashion Walk Of Fame" located on the floor at the aisles of ITC Mangga Dua. Well done, honey! *cupika cupiki*

But wait a minute people... Elvara's brilliance doesn't end here. She also decorates a simple pinstripe pants with strings-that-look-like-zippers at the bottom and zipperhead-that-looks-like-a-teeny-tiny-penis. Oh, Elvara. You really are our Goddess of Fashion. What will we ever do without you...?

Extremely enchanted,
Neng Sarah.


PS. Heyy, what's a prostitute doing at Titi DJ's concert? Young lady, no soliciting here! Shoo-shoo...

Mayangsari


Posted by Neng Sarah