whodoyouthinkheare cycle one

Ada Apa Dengan Dian?

2006-05-05T17:13:00.000+07:00

Dear people,

Since Mpok Jane's gone AWOL (psst... she's in rehab for shopaholicism, but don't say a thing to those pesky infotainment journalists) and I'm busy shagging rich businessmen from Kalimantan (thanks to Ussy for the tips), I have decided to bring in a guest writer. Please give a warm round of applause to our bitch-in-training: Mbak Diahhh....!!!

I swear, if you showed me this picture with the top half covered and asked me to guess who it was, I would've guessed Okky Lukman. What?? It's not Okky? It's Dian Sastro you say??

Oh well, on the bright side, if Marie-France Bodyline were to offer her an endorsement deal, she's got a great "Before" picture right here!

By the way, those wilting cabbage leaves she hung around her waist (so she's got easy access to a low-calorie snack anytime) really makes her look like she's got three vaginas.

Mbak Diah.

The Lady In Mauve

2006-04-20T08:08:00.000+07:00

How do you ruin a simple and cute purple cord jacket?

A
By throwing it in a blazing furnace, or

B
By washing it with bleach, or

C
By "decorating" every possible edge with over-the-top ruffle-y lace as if it were a banquet table at a cheesy wedding reception.

Yes, Ussy Sulistiawati... what is it?

Neng Sarah.

Genie In A Bottle

2006-04-19T09:31:00.000+07:00

Dear Mbak Reza Artamevia Adriana Eka Suci,

I'm all for you and your newfound spiritualism, but please for the love of Manolo Blahnik and all things pretty... what's with the Dewi Motik's headgear, Miami Vice's Sonny Crockett white jacket, and chainmail hand ornament what-have-you that looks like Jacko's glove? What's happening?

You see, Mbak Reza, when it comes to Busana Muslimah, here's a few pointers...
Inneke Koesherawati? Good.
Marissa Haque? Generic.
Jinny Oh Jinny, The Medical Student? BAD!!!!!!!!

Satu yang tak bisa TAK mencela,
Neng Sarah.

Livin' La Vida Loca

2006-04-15T08:01:00.000+07:00

Dewi Sandra has become the embodiment of the word CHAOS.

When someone attempted to look like Gwen Stefani in "Hollaback Girl" and ended up looking like... well, ain't nuthin like the real thing, there is only one thing you can do...

"Hello? Helen Sparingga Mental Institution for Hasbeens and Wannabes?
Yes, I have a potential patient for you..."

Neng Sarah.

The Killing Fields

2006-04-15T07:31:00.000+07:00

Marshanda and her tribute to Hannibal Lecter, with "The Intestines Bolero".

Who knew you could wear anatomy? Well, I guess that makes you Fashionnibal Lecter, then.

Neng Sarah.

War Of Nerves

2006-04-12T08:48:00.000+07:00

Krisdayanti:
Ya ampun, kok nggak ada yang kompak begini? Katanya hari ini mau janjian pake blus abu-abu semua. Gawat nih, aku kan kemarin udah borong blus gembung dan sabuk macan 2 lusin di Pasar Pagi. Piye iki? Oh, mungkin Mas Anang mau pake.
Aduh, si Titi udah di sedot lemak kok masih tetep gendut sih? Udah aku bilangin padahal pake dokter aku aja yang di Singgapur. Ngeyel!

Ruth Sahanaya:
Emang Titi aja yang bisa nggak kompak? Gue juga mau dong!
Huh, 3 diva? 3 diva apanya? Semua orang juga tau kalo cuma gue diva yang sebenarnya.
*nyanyi* "Khaaauulah seghalanyaaa untukkhuuuuu...."
Eh, si Titi kok makin lama makin gede ya badannya? Mungkin kayak gini ya jadinya kalo Bang Jeffry (Waworuntu, ed.) dipakein daster. Hiiiy...ngeri!!!

Titi DJ:
Ngebosenin banget sih gayanya Yanti. Tiap hari pake baju begitu. Kayak gue dong, berubah-rubah kayak bunglon. Makanya gue sampe dapet Nokia Fashion Award sebagai Most Stylish Indonesian Celebrity. Haha...take that you bitches!!!
Duh, udah jam 10.30 nih, gue belom ngemil. Ada KFC nggak ya deket sini? Ato Hartz Chicken Buffet gitu?

Neng Sarah.

Girl Interrupted 2: Confession Of A Teenage Sociopath

2006-04-07T11:53:00.000+07:00

Even though she is no longer a permanent resident of Helen Sparingga Mental Institution For Hasbeens And Wannabes, she still has to attend a weekly group meeting with other former patients so that the doctors can observe her state of sanity after she's being released into the society. The meeting's counselor is none other than former 80s sexbomb-turned-psychologist, Eva Arnaz.

Eva:
Hi everybody!

The Group:
Hi Eva...

Eva:
Welcome to our weekly meeting. How's everybody doing? Sane I hope. Anyway before we start, can somebody name one of my movies?

*silence*

Eva:
My movie...? Anybody...? No...??

*dead silence*

Eva:
Oookay, on with our meeting. Who wants to start?

*the sound of cricket*

Eva:
Well then, let's start the confession alphabetically. Hmmm... Agnes, why don't you go first.

Agnes:
Hello, my name is Agnes Monica, and I was an attention whore.

The Group:
Hi, Agnes...

Agnes:
My parents sent me here because I was an acute attention seeker. I sang annoying and meaningless song just to be noticed. I hogged infotainment cameras with my irritating remarks. And I used to dress like a crazy person just to be the center of attention...
OH GOD I'M SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF...!!! *sobbing*

Eva:
Sheesh... what a drama queen...

Agnes:
Excuse me?

Eva:
Um, nothing. Please continue...

Agnes:
Can you believe I once wore a black lacy tanktop with pink satin tie and tattoo-print arm warmers...

The Group:
*GASP*

Agnes:
Under a white mesh top with the words "STOP THE FASHION SYSTEM" on it...

The Group:
*GASP*

Agnes:
With a pink underwear and a cross stick-on diamante on my belly...

The Group:
*GASP*

Agnes:
I'm such a wreck...
But that's all in the past. After being rehabilitated here for 3 months, I realized the mistakes I've made. I no longer feel the need to dress like a Harajuku Slut. I feel like a new person now. It's like I'm born again...!

Group Member 1:
*mumbling* Lying so-called-virgin skank...

Agnes:
Say whattt???

Eva:
She said, "Lying so-called-virgin skank"

Agnes:
I HEARD WHAT SHE SAID...!!!

Group Member 1:
I saw you performing on TV last night on your music special program wearing something too ugly to put into words.

Group Member 2:
Yeah, I saw that too!! Tasteless tramp!!

The Rest of The Group:
Yeahh....

Agnes:
Watchatalkinabout????!!! You're all fools!! That was taped months ago.

The Group:
LIAR!!!

Eva:
Is that true, Miss Monica? Don't lie...

Agnes:
Shut up, you motherfucking hasbeen!! You're a nobody, bitch! The only thing I remember about you from your movies are your spandex tube-top and your bushy armpit hair!!!

The Group:
Eeeeeewwwww........!!!!!

Eva:
Heyyy.... this isn't about me!! This is about you! I knew you've been lying to us. You're still crazy!!

The Group:
YEAHHH...!!!

Agnes:
I ain't crazy, y'all! Just ask my peeps back in the hood. I'm A to tha G to tha N-E-Z. Whoaa... whoa...

Eva:
Uh'oh... Looks like somebody's about to burst...

Agnes climbs to one of the tables in the center of the room and stars singing and dancing like a maniac.

Agnes:
Kau takkan bisa...
Jadikan diriku...
Seperti yang kau mau...
Kar'na ku bukan milikmu...

Feeling tortured by Agnes' singing and dancing, the rest of the group is running amok and trying to flee the room. They're all kicking and screaming. The room is a total chaos.

Eva:
NURSE!!!!

Agnes:
Aku adalah...
Wanita yang pernah kau sakiti...
Kini kau tau ku bukan milikmu lagiii...

A couple of nurses rush to the room and grabs Agnes.

Eva:
Take her to cell block 2: the nutty successor...!!!!

Agnes:
*shrieking* Lemme gooooo...!!!! I ain't crazy, y'all!!! I AIN'T CRAZYYY...!!!!

One of the nurse is holding her down while the other one is injecting her with tranquilizer.

Agnes:
Whaddup whaddup, y'all...!!!
Bi-hiiiilang sa-haaaaja bila kau mauuuuu....
Ho... ho... ho...
Ho yeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..........

Neng Sarah.

Transindonesia

2006-04-01T12:40:00.000+07:00

We all know Inul Daratista doesn't have any children. But can you imagine if she were 6 months pregnant, gained 80 lbs, and still had to do shows to support her family?

I can...

Ivan Gunawan, let me tell you something... The word man, excess body fat, and sequins should never ever be used in the same sentence.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Can you believe this guy...
a. is a fashion designer?
b. used to date Rossa?
I can't!

Coming Out Of The Dark

2006-03-29T07:18:00.000+07:00

I think I know where the members of Ungu all first met before they decided to form a pop band...
Lapangan Banteng on Gothic Night.

Neng Sarah.

Desperate Hasbeen

2006-03-24T14:00:00.000+07:00

True, black is slimming. But if they're in the form of a legging and a sparkly body-clinging see-through top... well, that's a different story.

News flash for Indonesian celebrities: when you finally have to dress yourself like a rotisserie chicken bundled up in a black hosiery just to get noticed, that means you are officially a hasbeen.

Neng Sarah.

Polda Metro Jaring Waria

2006-03-24T13:48:00.000+07:00

JAKARTA - Jajaran Kepolisian Daerah Metro Jaya Kamis malam (23/3) melakukan Operasi Yustisi untuk menjaring para waria pekerja seks komersil. Operasi dilakukan di beberapa titik dan tempat hiburan di Jakarta yang biasa dijadikan lokasi para waria menjajakan diri. Petugas berhasil menciduk 32 orang waria yang langsung digelandang ke Markas Polda Metro Jaya.
Diantara 32 waria yang digiring petugas, terdapat 4 orang artis ibukota yang ternyata adalah perempuan asli, yaitu Peggy Melati Sukma, Lilis Karlina, Della Puspita, dan Anisa Bahar.

Peggy mengaku dirinya berada di kawasan Taman Lawang karena tengah mencari obyek untuk program acara televisi bagi-bagi uang yang dipandunya "Rejeki Nomplok".
"Enak aja saya dikira waria. Saya ini baru diundang ke New York untuk mengikuti sidang komite kedudukan wanita di Markas PBB lho, pak", ujarnya berang.

Sementara itu penyanyi dangdut Lilis Karlina tampak kebingungan ketika menyadari dirinya ikut dibawa juga oleh para polisi.
"Eh, aya naon iyeu teh? Pak pulisi, naha Lilis ditangkap? Lilis mah sanes bondon, pak. Lilis teh habis show di Cicalengka".

Ketika diinterogasi petugas di Kantor Polda, Della Puspita dan Anisa Bahar tampak begitu emosional. Keduanya sibuk menceritakan masalah yang pernah menimpa mereka.

"Sampai mati saya tidak akan mengakui Henri Pasman sebagai ayah saya! Saya tidak akan maafkan dia sampai dia bersujud di kaki ibu sayaaa...!!!", jerit Della.

"Ani diajak Memo Sanjaya untuk tes vokal dirumahnya, pak... Terus Ani dijanjiin bakal rekaman... Ternyata Andi diperdaya, pak... Ani dipaksa memenuhi nafsu bejatnya... Ani diperkosa!!! Terus Ani kawin sama dia...", ujar Anisa Bahar sambil terisak-isak.

Kepala Seksi Susila Polda Metro Jaya, Kopral Jono, menyatakan permohonan maaf kepada para selebriti yang ikut tertangkap. Dirinya menghimbau seluruh artis wanita Indonesia untuk berdandan sewajarnya untuk menghindari terjadinya salah tangkap di kemudian hari. (Neng Sarah)

White Wedding

2006-03-16T16:49:00.000+07:00

Amid rumors of her soon-to-be second marriage to Glenn Fredly, Dewi Sandra keeps a hush-hush. But we at whodoyouthinkheare got the latest scoop on this tattle.

A very unreliable blabbermouth who works as an assistant at a certain wedding-gown boutique spilled that Dewi wants it to be a hip R&B wedding with "Here Comes The Bride (Darkchild Remix)" playing in the background as she walks down the aisle. He also sent us a picture of Dewi in what seems to be her wedding attire.

Ick, Dewi....ick! I veto The Eva Longoria circa 2004 pine-tree hair and The P Diddy/Nyai Ronggeng white ensemble. Change the whole thing now before it's too late!!

Neng Sarah.

PS. Yes, I've heard of push-up bras, but the reason for wearing a bustier is NOT to jack up your breasts up to a point they reach your collarbones.

Color Trend 2006

2006-03-15T15:54:00.000+07:00

Mustika Ratu mempersembahkan seri warna kosmetika terbaru untuk trend tahun 2006...

"Pesona Taman Lawang"

Model Catherine Wilson menggunakan:
Alas bedak #01, Dempul Ketok Magic
Bedak tabur #03, Vampir Mandarin
Perona pipi dan pemulas bibir #77, Metro Mini S604
Perona mata #94, Begadang
Lip gloss #108, Kemilau Lampu Tanamur.

Neng Sarah.

Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead

2006-03-12T10:14:00.000+07:00

Brace yourself, folks! For you are about to witness the grotesque and wicked appearance of The Grim Reaper of Fashion herself, Angelina Sondakh...

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE....!!!!

Neng Sarah.

PS. Looks like Angie has finally found her soulmate. My my, I must say the resemblance is uncanny. Hmmm... I wonder what the wedding picture would look like...

Ask MJNS

2006-03-11T14:39:00.001+07:00

A dear reader sent us some pictures and asked us a question...

Dear Mpok Jane and Neng Sarah,
I'm seeing double! Explanation please...

Dear Reader,

Those pictures were taken a looong long time ago. A time when dinosaurs still roam free in Jurassic Park, a time when oversized shirts and Dr. Martens were cool, a time when DEWA was still 19 and mentally sober, a time when glitter was still associated with sparkly dust and not a 2-hour Mariah Carey on an acid trip mock-umentary. Anyway, you get the picture.

It was such a long time ago that Maia was still Maya and Mulan was still Wulandari. They were just a bunch of hicktown wannabes trying to make it in the music business under the name of PUTRI. They were so poor they had to borrow clothes from each other, even if it was just a lousy shirt from some third-rate distro. Yes dear reader, believe it or not, Maia and Mulan were once mere mortals like you and me before they became a boastful and self-loving maniacs. In fact, their hit single "TTM" was not originally titled Teman Tapi Mesra, but it was Teman Tapi Minjem.

"Cukuplah saja berteman dengankuuu...
Janganlah kau meminta lebiihhh...
Lebih baik kita berteman, kita berteman saja,
Teman tapi minjem...
Woohuwooooo...wohooo..."

Neng Sarah.

Better Version Of Me

2006-03-10T12:01:00.000+07:00

Suatu sore di kediaman Rebecca Tumewu.

(Dalam hati)
"We we we dot whodoyouthinkheare dot blogspot dot com..."
*klik*
"Baca dari postingan pertama ahhh..."
*klik*
"Hahaha....ancur banget sih Cornelia Agatha. Pantes aja dicela. Nggak ada bagus-bagusnya. Hmmm, nanti malem gue ada undangan kawinan nih. Jadi terinspirasi...
Gw mo dandan kayak Cornelia ah! Tapi dalam versi Haute Couture. Pasti lebih oke! Biar Mpok Jane dan Neng Sarah liat klo selera gue jauh lebih bermutu dan berkelas daripada si Miss Marcella-Zalianty-stole-my-Piala-Citra. Hahahaha....
Mandi dulu ahhh..."

1 jam kemudian...

Neng Sarah.

Sex And The Rumah Susun

2006-03-09T07:16:00.000+07:00

Hey, everybody!!
Rachma Azhari is here to play Smutty Hokey Pokey with you...
Is everybody ready??

"You put your left breast in,
you put your left breast out,
you put your left breast in,
and you shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about.

Now put your right labia majora in,
you put your right labia majora out,
you put your right labia majora in,
and you shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about..."

Neng Sarah.

Deuce Bigalow, Indonesian Gigolo

2006-03-08T10:31:00.000+07:00

HOLY SARAH JESSICA PARKER BRODERICK!!!
IS THAT A WIG???!!!!!
Please, please, pleeeease somebody tell me that's his real hair (although I saw him on Gebyar BCA with that hair and it looked convincingly fake). The day I tolerate men wear wigs for vanity is the day that I'm wearing a matching tight-fitting bleached denim jeans and cropped jacket with roller skates to Plaza Senayan to buy Agnes Monica's latest CD.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Thomas Djorghi, I have to be honest with you. That itty-bitty tuft of hair on your chest you're flaunting ostentatiously is severely annoying and giving me an ulcer. You'd better wax that thing off immediately or I will personally remove it one by one with a tweezer.

Damsel In Distress Pt. 2

2006-03-07T14:45:00.000+07:00

Dear Mbak Reza,

Just exactly what is it that you are trying to prove here? That you can give Hengky Tandayu a run for his money?

Mpok Jane.

3 Div... 2 Divas And A Teletubby

2006-03-06T06:46:00.000+07:00

In every group, usually there's someone who's always trying to be different in order to be the center of attention and ruin everything. He/she will go to any measure just to be noticed. For instance it's like when, "Jeng-jeng...besok kita kompakan ya pake blus broken white dan jeans, oke?", and she showed up wearing a yellow jewel-encrusted raincoat, 6-tiered pearl earrings, and a Neneng Anjarwati wig. Don't you just hate that kind of person?

"Ampuuuun DJ......
Jangan siksa mata kita doong... dong... dong... dong... dong... dong... dong... dong... dong..."

Neng Sarah.

PS. KD, if you think you can get away with it...think again! Pirates Of The Carribean puffy shirt with animal print belt? Only if you were a male backup dancer on Dag Dig Dut.

Helloween's Tryout

2006-03-05T08:10:00.000+07:00

Cut Tari is trying a new recipe for "Dress Up Like Indonesian Fictional Characters".

Take Bajuri's tropical shirt. Add a dash of Oneng's makeup. Finish with an Oom Pasikom's hat.

Serve.

Neng Sarah.

Under The Pink

2006-03-03T16:41:00.000+07:00

Okay, I know I am being cliche here but it is true you know, a picture sometimes does speak a thousand words. Take this one for instance:

See how the guy seems to be trying so hard not to laugh and in the process of doing so is actually biting his lower lip? And see how he is glancing to his left hand side, just the direction where Nina Tamam stands? I rest my case...

Mpok Jane.

Private Shanty

2006-03-03T16:19:00.000+07:00

Far beyond the dead brain cells, lies a territory unknown to anyone, even to Shanty herself, her fashion sense.

Mpok Jane.

Harry Potter And The Evil Sorceress Of Magelang

2006-03-03T12:09:00.000+07:00

Nafa Urbach made an appearance at the launching party of her autobiography "The Chronicles of Nafa: The Lion King Disease, The Bitch, And The Robe" at Tanamur Discotheque, suitably dressed in a robe that would surely make Lord Voldemort green with envy.

Neng Sarah.

The Price Is (Not) Right

2006-03-01T16:25:00.000+07:00

Black Jersey dress with lace-up detail...
Rp. 500.000,-

Big white studded belt...
Rp. 100.000,-

Fishnet stockings...
Rp 50.000,-

Wearing them together...
~~Priceless~~ Valueless.

Neng Sarah.

The Trouble With Bra Is

2006-02-28T09:17:00.000+07:00

We've all heard how dumb most models are. And this one apparently can't pick out the right bra (nor outfit).

Note to Catherine Wilson: stick to your REAL cupsize. Let's not pretend to be something we're not, shall we? And certain top needs a certain bra. Hard-as-iron Kutang Nenek definitely doesn't go with cheap-looking top from Tante Sonya Collection.

Neng Sarah.

Ahh Kacau!

2006-02-27T11:35:00.000+07:00

When a man is having a midlife crisis, he will probably have an affair with someone half his age. When a woman is having a midlife crisis, she will probably dress half her age. But when the woman in subject happens to be an 80's has-been who used to do *oh God, I'm getting goosebumps* an imitation of Janet Jackson and is currently depressed because she's facing a divorce from her husband who allegedly raped their maids...well, the result is just ugly, with a capital U,G,L, and Y.

Imaniar thinks that mixing her own pieces with the stuff she stole from her son's closet is going to make her look young and hip. Well I hate to break it to you Imaniar, but you look totally whacked! Let's see...an American Gladiator uniform tank under an oversized tulle blouse and shiny pants, accesorized with a studded leather belt and cuff, and a Warner Bros bling. Oh, and please don't even get me started on the makeup. Tell me Imaniar, what's your objective? Is it Inang-inang meets Avril Lavigne?

With the other pictures featured here, sometimes I can do an 'at least'. You know like, at least she's pretty, or at least she has a great body. But with you, the only 'at least' I can think of is: at least you're not naked.

Oh Imaniar, you come over unannounced. Dressed up like you're somethin' else. Where you are ain't where it's at, you see, you're makin' me laugh out when you strike a pose. Take off all your preppy clothes. You know you're not foolin' anyone when you become, somebody else round everyone else, watchin' your back, like you can't relax. You tryin' to be cool. You look like a fool to me...

Tell meeeee.....

Neng Sarah.

Law Of Physics

2006-02-27T11:32:00.000+07:00

The new Theory of Real-ugly-vity:

U = VM²

U = Ugly
VM = Venna Melinda

Example:
Venna Melinda in cropped white sweater, cheerleader-mini with two (TWO!!!) belts, mohair helmet hat, and plastic purple shades equals ugly.

Neng Sarah.

Boob-ey Trap

2006-02-22T16:27:00.000+07:00

Happy Salma recently introduced her new persona for 2006 to the public:

Slutty Salma.
(Not to be confused with 2005's Hooker Salma, 2004's Call-girl Salma)

The new look boasts a more demure appearance with just a hint of her signature (aka main asset) 36DD. The main difference is the use of flimsy and measly article for extra coverage, like this pink knit apron top (which in my humble opinion is just as attractive as Anisa Bahar's cellulite).

Neng Sarah.

Fashion Tips

2006-02-20T16:31:00.000+07:00

Ain't life a bitch? Just when you found that one jacket that actually would look great on you and flatter your whole look and more importantly is nowhere near the cheap or whore zone, you just couldn't find your size! But that's alright, things like this do happen. And when it happens, I suggest you to just hit the gym and shed those extra kilos off and come back a couple of weeks after just in shape for the jacket (that is if it hasn't been gone by that time). What I don't reccomend is insisting to wear that one (or two?) size(s) too small jacket and causing yourself to look like a bloated balloon that is just about ready to explode. Seriously, you don't want to risk looking like that. To wit:

Mpok Jane.

Since You Been Gone

2006-02-20T12:10:00.000+07:00

Every since her painful and devastating breakup with Sahrul Gunawan, Intan Nuraini has been listening to "I Will Survive" constantly and hailing it as her personal anthem. So it realy doesn't come as a surprise when she's eventually turning into...

Gloria Gaynor!

Oh Sahrul, take a look at her now. She used to be a sweet and innocent (looking) girl that my mom adores. Now she looks like a hostes nightclub from and 80's Indonesian film. What have you done, Sahrul??!!

Neng Sarah.

Chicken Little

2006-02-19T18:08:00.000+07:00

The original caption of the above picture was "Dengan tatanan rambut oke, Dewi Sandra terlihat cantik dalam balutan gaun kombinasi emas dan hitam.". And I was like...What the fuck? Did the guy who wrote it forget to put her/his glasses on when s/he wrote it? No wait, Could s/he even see at all? There is NOTHING okay with a hairdo that makes you look like a rooster, seriously! I am so taking you to an optometrist.

In contrast, the dress could've been okay actually. It has a potential to be this cute little black dress IF she had bothered to leave the golden lining out of the picture. It's just huge, ugly, disturbing, absolutely and utterly looks cheap, and totally ruins the hour glass silhoutte effect that could've been achieved had it not been there in the first place. Sigh...Subtlety apparently is not in some people's lexicons.

Mpok Jane.

Hair-Raising Question

2006-02-14T17:46:00.000+07:00

Question:
What do you get when you cross Elizabeth Taylor (the geriatric years), a 10000 watt electrocution victim, and a poodle?

Answer:
Rakhee Punjabi.

Neng Sarah.

PS. I didn't get the memo, but, are squished boobs back?

In The Cut

2006-02-11T12:39:00.000+07:00

Dear Cut Memey,

That sumbu kompor minyak tanah garb is the equivalent to the hair on your butt crack: it's meaningless, extremely disgusting, never ever in style, and none of us wants to see it. So i'm telling you, GET RID OF IT!! Yes, both the garb AND the hair on your butt crack.

Insincerely yours,
Neng Sarah.

Taplak Tapi Mesra

2006-02-07T20:12:00.000+07:00

Maia Ahmad's goiter, otherwise known as Mulan "Ratu" Kwok, has decided to jump in on the "domestic couture" (pioneered by Dhea Mirella and Viona Rosalina) bandwagon by wearing a tablecloth.

"Aku punya taplaaaak....
(Ahhh....ahhh....ahhh....)
Taplak kotak-kotaaaak....
(Ahhh....ahhh....ahhh....)
Kemana dia ada selaluuuu, ada akuuu....
(Uh yeahhhh....)"

Hey, scary lady,
How can you wear a tablecloth and still look skanky?

Neng Sarah.

Mean Girls

2006-02-06T15:57:00.000+07:00

The folks at "Cekcok & Recok" sent us this article from their tabloid.

-------##-------

What started out as a boring fund-raising event, turned out to be an exciting evening, when Neng Sarah of whodoyouthinkheare fame met her evil nemesis, Shanty. Our correspondent was more than eager to report this catty showdown for you, our lovely readers.

Excuse me, Shanty...
Who?
Hello, I'm Neng Sarah from whodoyouthinkheare. Perhaps you've already...
Oh yeah I've seen it, I know who you are. Vicious fucking bitch who makes shitty comments about celebrities. How dare you say all those cruel things about me? HOW DARE YOU?? Who do you think... *pauses* you are?
Sorry, but...
BUT WHATTT?? I'm not an imbecile, I have a great style, I'm fucking pretty, and I CAN FUCKING SING WELL, DAMMIT!!! I've won several AMI-SHARP awards!!
Uhmmm...
You think you're so clever and funny with your little writing. You think you're sooo much better than everyone else, huh? Well, FUCK YOUUU!!!!
Well I...
SHUT UP!!! Just shut up-shut up!!! I've had it with you. Don't you play around with me. I can do horrible things to you, because trust me, I can turn into a psycho bitch too. So *singing* no no no noooo... don't phunk with my heaaartttt!!
Huh??
You'd better watch your fucking mouth, bitch! One more remark from you, you'll be hearing from my lawyer, because I'M GONNA FUCKING SUE YOU!!!!
HOLD IT, MISSY!!! You celebrities are alike. It's always "Me, me, me!". Well, how about thinking about us for a change. Think about our feelings! You think just because you're a celebrity, you can torture our eyes with your horrifying sense of fashion? HELL NO! I refuse to be tortured and I refuse to suffer!!
But...
BUT WHAT?? You're a celebrity, for God's sake! You're supposed to be a role model, not a walking, talking, infotainment-hogging, offkey-singing nightmare!!
But, but...
You think I've always been a callous bitch like this? NO!!! I used to be a nice, sweet, and innocent girl. My parents used to be so proud of me. But now, thanks to you and your ill-dressed comrades, I became a hideous monster!! LOOK AT ME!!! Look at what you've reduced me to!!!!
Oh My God, I didn't know...
Of course, you didn't. You think all I did was insult you on my account. But you didn't realize that I'm doing this for your own good, so that you'll realize the mistakes you've made. WAKE UP AND SMELL YOUR DESIGNER-IMPOSTOR PERFUME, SHANTY!!!
I'm so sorry, Neng Sarah...
So from now on you'd better get your act together, or I'll slaughter you with a dull and rusty knife like an anthrax-infested cow!!!
Oh, I promise, Neng Sarah... I'll try my best.
I seriously doubt it. You celebrities never learn. Oh, and one more thing, that Serengeti-inspired dress of yours makes you look like a new addition to Kebun Binatang Ragunan should it decide to open a brothel!!
Whatt?? But, but I thought animal prints are making a comeback.
Yeah, right. Their comeback is just as catastrophic as Imaniar's comeback as the jury of Popstar. Now go! Run, you mediocre, flash in the pan celeb! And don't you dare come into my sight looking like a gang-rape victim in a repository bin EVER AGAIN!!!

-------##-------

Neng Sarah.

Romance Is In The Air

2006-02-05T14:36:00.000+07:00

Viona Rosalina (aka Miss Thank-God-I-Married-Eko Patrio-Otherwise-I-Would've-Been-A-Nobody), was in the mood for something romantic. So she wore a brocade top from "Traditional Romance" collection by Anne Avantie, and a duvet from Romance Springbed.

Neng Sarah.

Honey, I Blew Up Myself

2006-02-02T14:06:00.000+07:00

Ladies, if you're expecting or planning on having a baby, there are 2 things that I restrain, nay, FORBID you from doing: watching Rosemary's Baby and seeing this picture of Anisa Bahar.

Please ladies, do not be alarmed. I'm certain you won't turn like this when you're pregnant. I mean, we're talking about Anisa Bahar here. A woman who is consistently scagly (that's scary AND ugly) no matter what she does. So when she ballooned up like this, it's only natural that her level of scagliness rose to a scale of 6,5 richter. I mean, look, a peach-colored chiffon maternity dress that's 3 sizes too big, with an orange sash with the word GOYANG on it, and a wig that looks more fake than her nose and even worse than her pubic hair!!! Only Anisa Bahar, ladies. Only Anisa f-ing "I was raped and well, frankly i enjoyed it, so I had 2 kids with my rapist" Bahar.

Neng Sarah.

Dr. 90210

2006-01-31T20:39:00.000+07:00

This picture was (surprisingly) NOT taken from www.plasticsurgeriesgoneawry.com. But I think you'd agree with me that it should be posted there.

Cici Paramida, there's one thing I've always wanted to say to you from a loooong time ago...

YOU GOT BUTCHERED, Girlfriend!!!

And no, slapping 4-inch-thick Barbara Cartland-esque make-up on your face is not going to make that steel-pipe nose look any better. Yes, I know I'm being harsh. But then again, who told you to trust Ci Eva Liong and her Amerika Punya liquid silicone?

Neng Sarah.

Confession On The Sanggar Senam

2006-01-28T08:37:00.000+07:00

Former Warna pint-size sweetheart, Dea Mirella, is finally back in the spotlight as... AN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR QUEEN (watch out Liza Natalia!). Here she is on the launching party of her exercise VCD, "The Kegel Master: How To Please Your Partner And Win A Singing Contest Just By Sitting On Your Ass All Day Long". We snapped her backstage wearing a pillow and long-pillow case by MamaTex while she was waiting to go on stage to perform a remake of Britney Spears' hit "(Hit Me With A Dumb-bell) Baby One More Time" from the soundtrack of her VCD.

Neng Sarah.

In The Army Now

2006-01-27T12:28:00.000+07:00

HOLY NASTY UNKNOWN CELEBRITY, BATMAN!!!

WHAT ON EARTH???!!

Anne J. Cotto in an army call-girl camouflage couture is what nightmares are made of. My 13-month-old nephew was actually crying and screaming like a flock of seagulls when he saw this picture (Oh no! What have I done?!). I don't understand why anyone would ever dress like a WWE Smackdown wrestler's sidekick at his/her own will. Hmmm...I smell desperation. This has I'd do anything to be on any infotainment written all over it. Well, in that case...well played Miss Cotto. Mission accomplished.

Neng Sarah.

The Miseducation Of Rency Milano

2006-01-26T07:41:00.000+07:00

Ceu Rency, pesen lotek 2. Dibungkus. Kol-nya yang banyak. Jangan pake pedes.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Did anyone notice, Rency Milano (no connection with Alyssa, sadly) is wearing a kerudung with a SEE-THROUGH blouse and a SEE-THROUGH tanktop underneath? I can see her friggin' bra, for God's sake! Correct me if I'm wrong, but i believe the whole concept of wearing a veil is to conceal your body. Rency, apa kamu kacang??!!

Indonesian Tattler

2006-01-25T15:53:00.000+07:00

Indonesia's infotainment darling and Jaksen Parangin-Angin's evil nemesis, Cut Memey, doesn't let the bad media exposure get under her skin. She recently hosted a lavish Tupperware Party at her 1.5 billion worth abode, in this bewitching (pun intended) and flashy pink and turquoise halter satin number ornately embedded with myriads of non-precious rhinestone and matching earrings by Acong's House of Fashion which dazzled her why-are-they-famous celebrity guests (such as Anne J. Cotto and Eddies Adelia) and sent them into an orgasmic frenzy.

Neng Sarah.

Shades Of Ecstasy

2006-01-24T06:53:00.000+07:00

After two drug busts, of which one involves an escapade to as far as Houston, TX, one in-prison pregnancy, of which the father of the now 5 year old child still remains in smokes, and the recent claim that that particular child has been kidnapped by her boyfriend, of which subsequent events seem to have turned the table against her, does seeing Zarima wearing a cheap plastic orange-shaded sunnies that she seems to have bought in a prison bazaar surprise me?

NOT AT ALL!!

Nice blazer btw...

Mpok Jane.

Don't Follow The White Rabbit

2006-01-23T18:49:00.000+07:00

Here's the difference between me and Indonesian celebrities (beside not having a burning desire for Scarlet's wigs nor a make-up artist who gives me an MKD [Muka Krisdayanti, ed.]): whenever I see a rabbit I go, "Oh, what a cute and fuzzy little animal!", while most Indonesian celebrities see a rabbit and go, "Oh, it would make a lovely bag!".

Ladies, animals are not decoration for your clothes and accesories worth slaughtering for the sake of fashion! So please Catherine Wilson, is it really necessary for you to dress like post-sex romp Mrs. Santa Claus? Nasyila Mirdad, stop trying to be Marini Zumarni's replacement on Bidadari. And Krisdayanti, why would you want to look like Barbara Cartland's sofa cushion? You girls are soooo wrong for thinking that wearing a dead animal is going to make you any prettier.

So anyway, from now on I declare, no more animal cruelty. Only celebrity cruelty. Hear! Hear!

Neng Sarah.

Fashion Invention

2006-01-20T09:03:00.000+07:00

Please give a warm round of applause for Rheina "Ipeh" Maryana and her invention, The Bust Brace.

The Bust Brace will give you maximum support and will perk up any sagging breasts instantly. Perfect for woman with small chests and or drooping breasts due to gravity, aging, and maternity.

Be the center of attention and collect compliments with The Bust Brace.

Made from Steel-Titanium alloy which makes it durable yet lightweight.

Available in glitter for evening wear and non-glitter for daywear at any hardware store near you.

The Bust Brace,
A bra is not enough.

Neng Sarah.

Past Participle

2006-01-20T09:01:00.000+07:00

Note to Femmy "Ratu Bazaar" Permatasari:

Frayed denim jackets were out 6 months ago,

Diamond alphabet pendants were out 3 months ago,

CK logo tank tops were out 5 years ago,

Shirley Temple curls were out 30 years ago,

Your face was out 4 years ago.

Sorry...

Neng Sarah.

Celebrity Deathmatch 3: Pop Ya Collar

2006-01-18T13:27:00.000+07:00

Ladies and gentlemeeeeeeeeeeeen......

Welcome to another deathly, blood soaking, bone wrenching edition of Celebrity Deathmatch!! Without further due, let's welcome the fighters for tonight's "Fight of The Big Collar" match!!

On the red corner is a woman whose deathly thrusts of hip can cause mass erection among men and even the most upright man to cum three times in his pants without any assistance! it's Iraaaaaaaaaaaaaa Swaraaaaaaaa!!!!

And on the blue corner is a woman with uncountable heads under her belt, including one of her own cousin, Mary of Scotland, the woman who oversaw the start of British expansions and centuries of colonialisation worldwide! It's none other than the Virgin Queen herself, Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth I!!!!!

Who will prove to be the deathliest of the two? Only one way to find out...Take your position ladies and let's get it on!!!

Mpok Jane.

Fallin' (In With Horrid Denim)

2006-01-17T15:42:00.000+07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, whodoyouthinkheare presents Cut "Alicia Keys Threw Up All Over Me" Memey's new album "The Diary of Cut Memey", featuring 10 amazing songs, including:

"U Don't Know My Name (Before The Cheap Publicity Stunt)"

"A Woman's Worth (Is 1.5 Billion)"

"Publicity and I"

"Karma"

"If I Ain't Got Moolah"

"My Boobs", featuring Ressa Herlambang

"Jackson, How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore?"

Not available on CDs or Casettes at record stores near you. So don't bother looking fot it now!

Neng Sarah.

Dr Titi, Medicine Woman

2006-01-17T15:41:00.000+07:00

No Titi DJ, nobody is going to do a remake of TVRI's Dokter Sartika, so there really is no point in donning a doctor's jacket. But more importantly, even if they were going to do a remake of it, I highly doubt they would consider casting someone who came to the audition wearing a mint green fishnet stockings with *i can't believe they make that* matching mesh top, a napkin (oh I'm sorry, is that a skirt?), and hair that looks like a horde of live eels on a supermarket's aquarium.

However, if we heard that they need contestants for the new season of The Swan, we'll let you know, okay?

Neng Sarah.

Charmed

2006-01-13T18:44:00.000+07:00

Someone has obviously been watching too much Charmed and as a result mistakenly takes herself to be Phoebe Halliwell. Well, let me tell you Miss X-with-god-knows-how-many words-better-known-as-fla that Phoebe Halliwell herself would not, in any circumstance, be caught dead with a huge silvery scarf around her head, a huge donut-shaped necklace gem, a dreadful-looking overcoat, and a chain that runs from a hideous belt. At this rate I would say you look more like a cult follower of Dedy Corbuzier only that a cult follower of Dedy Corbuzier would only wear black because Dedy Corbuzier only wears black so you got that one wrong. And hypothetically speaking, if you could really see the future the way Phoebe Halliwell does, you could have actually seen that dressing up like this would only give us something to laugh and bitch about.

Mpok Jane.

PS: one more thing, I am sure as hell that Phoebe Halliwell sees the future inside her head and not on an imaginary TV screen made up by fingers. Duuuhhhh....

Unpretty Woman

2006-01-12T12:20:00.000+07:00

Venna, I believe that is the ugliest and most repugnant dress I've ever seen in my life! It looks as is if it was sewn dreadfully and made from a bargain basement priced fabric. And you know what the worst part is? The transparent handkerchief-style skirt with a raggy lining that is longer than the skirt itself. And what a perfect idea it was for you to top it off with a really really bad blonde wig that puts Krisdayanti's Shinchan wig to shame. You definitely put the whore in horrifying.

So Venna, when I said that your presentation here reminds me of either:

Tinkerbell (as in both the fairy friend of Peter Pan and the dog of Paris Hilton), or

a winter Olympic figure skater, or

a salsa dance competition's contestant from Guadalajara, or

Tina Turner in 1967,

please DO take it as a compliment.

Neng Sarah.

Neck To Neck

2006-01-08T09:26:00.000+07:00

Relax people, Bella Saphira did not have a car accident, and no, that is not a designer neck brace. But now that she is officially a singer (after she released her first--and only--album) she must always keep her pipes warm (for those impromptu singing requests, of course), thus the diamante studded neck warmer.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding. That's not a neck warmer. Adjie Massaid gave her hickeys the night before and she was trying to conceal it with that necklace. Okay, there you have it.

But on the other hand, Nirina Zubir really did have a car accident and sprained her neck, so she had to wear that neck brace.

Or maybe she just likes the attention. Hmmm, I'm not sure.

Neng Sarah.

Unidentified Fur Objects

2006-01-07T16:42:00.000+07:00

First of all, I don't really mind the dress. I could live with it if only she had bothered to iron it prior to wearing it. But the furballs on a string she has dangling around her neck? Eww...Did she just loose a bet to wear it?

Mpok Jane.

House of Wax

2006-01-07T15:38:00.000+07:00

If the above were a wax statue to be displayed, I bet that it would go with a caption that says something like "A Sinetron Has Been/Failed Singer Dressed in Things from the Everything Must Go/Nothing Over Rp.50,000 Rack" or "The Hair that Bewildered the World: Hair Extentions Gone Wrong".

Strike a pose bella!

Mpok Jane.

Hot Child In The City (pt. 3)

2006-01-05T08:54:00.000+07:00

After seeing this picture of Marshanda, I can't decide which is more frightening: her failed so-yesterday derelict-chic look, or her eerie grin that makes her look like Silvana Herman.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Nevermind the heat, but won't that furry jacket give you a rash or something?

Blonde Ambition

2006-01-03T11:31:00.000+07:00

I didn't recall when did exactly Titi DJ lost all sense of style (probably sometime during my unconsciousness after her self-declaration as "Sang Dewi", oh well, she must've meant "Sang Dewi Kesuburan"), but nowadays everything she wears just screams cheap. Just take a look at this picture, and please--I insist--please, ignore her actual blond hair that looks like a bad 100%-nylon wig.

From the ribbony flowery senorita top, to the plastic bangles, to the crummy jeans, every piece appears cheap and looks like something my pembantu can get at "Pojok Busana" Mal Cijantung.

Oh Titi, what happened? Can't you buy something nicer? Where did you lose all your money? Did you spend it all on that tummy tuck/liposuction/breast augmentation/butt reconstruction/vaginal rejuvenation what-have-you procedure? If you really are in dire straits, maybe you should consider selling all of your Dior collection. God knows those Hardcore Dior saddlebags are so 2 years ago.

Please Titi, do something. Before I start mistaking you as my pembantu in a bad wig.

Neng Sarah.

Neng Ayo Neng, Ayo Main Tebak-Tebakan

2006-01-01T16:11:00.000+07:00

Neng Sarah punya tebak-tebakan...

Item, fals, keringetan, berrenda-renda, berjala-jala, dibedakin, trus dibungkus aluminium foil, apa ayooo?

Nyerah?

Menurut lohhhhhhhhhhhhhh????

Neng Sarah.

Last Christmas

2005-12-31T16:08:00.000+07:00

Last christmas evidently Tessa Kaunang had too many eggnog, she thought it was still the 80's. A time when she's still in high school, going around carrying LKS. A time when it is still appropriate to wear a Molly Ringwald's "Pretty In Pink"/Roxette's '89 video "Dangerous" hybrid pink top. A time when she's still a virgin and decided to give her virginity to her boyfriend by wrapping a gigantic blue ribbon around her waist, making herself look like a christmas present.

Aahhh Tessa, if only it were true. If only it were true...

Neng Sarah.

Tears Of A Clown

2005-12-29T13:47:00.000+07:00

Dear Miss Melly Goeslaw,

To be blunt upfront, ARE YOU CRAZY?? Seriously, you're either crazy or you just bought a straw producing factory whose sales went under the next day leaving you with a year stock of straws that you simply didn't know what to do with hence you decided to pin them all over your dress. Those are straws on your dress, right? To be honest I don't really know what they are, except that they and the blue wig make you look like a rejected clown from Dunia Fantasi. Could they be tentacles that grow on dresses?

And one more thing, just curious, is that a ribbon on your head? I do hope it's not because there only two women in this world who can get away with ribbons on their head, and they are none other than Miss Minnie Mouse and Miss Daisy Duck.

Yours and Distressed,
Mpok Jane.

Hey, thanks Melly. Now I know what a human pinata looks like.

Neng Sarah.

Little Girl Lost

2005-12-28T20:46:00.000+07:00

Oh Enno, I know the teenage-divorce problem you're facing right now is very hard and it's making you want to run away. But helloooo? You don't need to take it so literally by dressing as a brown Converse hi-tops.

Neng Sarah.

A Letter From A Reader

2005-12-27T12:14:00.000+07:00

Dear Neng Sarah,

Hai, aku Putri Patricia. Inget aku khaaan? Aduh, masa lupa sich? Aku khan dulu pernah main di "Dewi Fortuna" dan "Tersanjung 7". Iiich, Neng Sarah jahat dech. Eniwei, aku lagi ada masalah nich. Begini neng, belakangan ini aku koq udah nggak pernah diajak main sinetron lagi yach. Padahal aku dulu terkenal loch. Iya khan, iya khan? Ngaku dech. Hihi. Aku bingung dech. Padahal aku kan nggak kalah cantik sama yang lain. Aktingku juga oke. Trus bodi-ku juga yahud. Kira-kira kenapa yach? Garink nih nggak ada job. Tiap hari kegiatanku kalo nggak senam di sanggar Mbak Venna, aku nongkrong di PS. Lama-lama khan aku bisa bokek. Mana aku lagi nggak ada cowok lagi. Aduuuh, aku kan boring. Eh, kok jadi curhat sich? Hihi, jadi malu. Yach eniwei, tolong dong Neng Sarah, gimana caranya supaya aku diajak main sinetron lagi. Aku nggak mau popularitasku menurun drastis. Jangan sampe aku nanti kayak Silvana Herman. Aduh, amit-amit dech. Thanks yach Neng Sarah sebelumnya.

Putri.

Dear Put-Pat,

First of all let's get things straight, I don't watch Indonesian Sinetrons. Well, I do admit I did watch Noktah Merah Perkawinan, but then never again, because I realized it was one the biggest mistakes in my life.
Anyway, all I can tell you is this: you need to do something about your outfit. While I appreciate your approach to the "Perek Melawai" look; I love the way it doesn't scream hooker (only whispers) and the Skittles bracelet-earrings set which is just a cherry on top of a bad cake, unfortunately that is NOT what most producers are looking for right now. In case you haven't heard, they're looking for "Innocent Slut". And if you're wondering what it is, just look at Nia Ramadhani or The Virgin girls for reference.
But if you're really really reeeallly desperate, I suggest you to sleep with one of The Shankers or Punjabis. God knows it's a sure-fire way to nab a role in a sinetron, if only as an extra.
And lastly, whoever said that not appearing in any sinetron is a downhill road to unpopularity, is dead wrong. Two words: Rency Milano.

Neng Sarah.

Yellow Fever

2005-12-27T12:07:00.000+07:00

Maia, I feel that I need to question the state of your sanity. I mean, just look at you. There's not one single thing of your ensemble that is worth wearing. Who would wear those pieces? Who would wear the yellow t-shirt with one sleeve longer than the other? Okay, probably some deranged ABG singer like Cantika or Marshanda. How about the striped pants with strawberry cheesecake slice pattern and *gasp* matching glove/armcast/sarung HP Nokia Communicator thing-a-ma-jig? Hmmm, I think I saw that lady rocker Yosie Lucky wore those in 1989. And the white crochet tank-dress made from a tennis net? Maybe Gitty Srinita in "Gairah X" or that tranny tennis player Serena Williams for an MTV-Awards thing.

But the whole thing worn together? It took a truly brave aka mentally unstable person to have the nerve to wear those things all at once. Why, Maia? Are you suffering from some kind of abuse from your megalomaniac/chauvinistic husband? Or are you simply trying to follow in the footsteps of Melly Goeslaw who's already clinically proven crazy in the fashion department? Whatever it is, it's bad news. But being a deluded person that you are, I know you'd simply ignore these facts and believe that you're a fashion trendsetter in Indonesia. Oh well...

Neng Sarah.

Lost In Barbieland

2005-12-24T05:30:00.000+07:00

This is what happens to barbie dolls (read: yours truly Miss Diana Pungky) when they finally get married and get old - nothing! They still show up looking like drunken brats and make you want to vomit into your own mouth.

You know what? That is one cute purse, but don't you think you'd be better off with a whip instead? Trust me, it complements your look better...

Mpok Jane.

Wordplay

2005-12-22T10:56:00.000+07:00

Hi kids, my name is Neng Sarah, and now it's time for an english lesson: whodoyouthinkheare style. Are you ready? Good. The first word we are going to learn today is...Nafa.

NAFA
[adjective]
showing extremely poor taste and quality; disgusting to look at; ugly; hideous.
For example:
No Tamara, don't wear those shoes! They look so Nafa!
I really don't understand why Krisdayanti would wear that Nafa dress from Johannes Bridal.

DERIVATIVES
Nafafication [noun]
Nafafy [verb]
Nafaly [adverb]
Nafaness [noun]

Okay, now can you make your own sentence using the word Nafa?

Neng Sarah.

The X-Files

2005-12-21T09:28:00.000+07:00

I thought I have seen it all. But once in a blue moon, I came across something so unexplainable I just don't know how to describe it. And that something, is like something Lusy Rahmawati wore...

Can somebody tell me what on earth is that ugly furry thing? Did she just sprain her neck, so she's wearing a designer neck-cast, designed by an Ewok? Did she just got bitten by a posessed animal and she's turning into a She-Wolf? Or did she just get a testosterone injection, so she's suddenly sprouting grey chest hair?

Well whatever it is, that thing is so frightening it's been giving me nightmares. Lusy, if you're wearing that thing for stylistic purpose, you're absolutely nuts. It's not Helloween, so there's no need to scare people with your outfit. Well, unless you're Nafa Urbach that is.

Neng "Scully".

Green With Envy

2005-12-20T13:31:00.000+07:00

Kudos to Cornelia Agatha who sucessfully managed to look like a tranny and a pregnant woman at the same time at last weeks's Festival Film Indonesia ceremony. Congratulations, Lia. You've simply outdone yourself. I'm sooo loving the puke-green strapless dress with the bleach effect on your C-U-Next-Tuesday.

NOT!!!

Neng Sarah.

PS. Uh'oh...Looks like someone has a bladder problem and peed all over herself while waiting for the "Pemeran Utama Wanita Terbaik" announcement. Super gross!! Oh Lia, I'm sooo getting you an adult diaper.

Sleeping Ugly

2005-12-19T07:38:00.000+07:00

Here's an advice for you Dian, if you had gotten out of bed way too late to attend an award show, e.g. Festival Film Indonesia 2005, that you didn't have enough time to properly do your hair and put on a decent dress (No, I don't care how expensive it is, you can not at all circumstances wear a sleeping gown to an award show), it would probably be best if you shouldn't have bothered to come at all. Like hello??? You weren't even nominated girlfriend!

Mpok Jane.

PS: Wearing a silver glittery belt around your sleeping gown just below your breasts does not make it look half decent. It just shows that you got an issue in locating your waist line.

Girl, Interrupted

2005-12-16T11:09:00.000+07:00

Ever since Agnes Monica showed up at Panasonic Awards looking like "Xena: The Harajuku Princess", her parents finally realized that their child is actually going insane. So they decided to put her in Helen Sparingga Mental Institution For Hasbeens And Wannabes in Parung, Bogor. I visited Agnes to do a little interview and see how she's holding up.

Hi, Agnes
Yo yo yo, Agnes is in the house y'all! Whaddup whaddup Neng Sarah?
I'm fabulous, Agnes. How are you?
No, bitch! That ain't it. Say it the way it's supposed to be. You know what I'm sayin'?
Yes, I know what you're talking about. But I'm not gonna say it.
Cmon, beyotch! Don't be trippin' on me. You're not down with me, is that what you're sayin, huh?
No Agnes, I'm not gonna...
(Starting to sing) Bi-hiiiilang sa-haaaaja bila kau...
STOP ITTT!!!!
Allright, allright!
*pauses*
Whaddup A'?
That's it! That's the shit, baby! A to tha G to tha NES. You're my peeps, Neng Sarah. You're my peeps. Whoa-whoaaa...
Anyway, how are they treating you here?
Like shit, fo shizzo! They going round actin' like I'm crazy and all. That ain't right, y'all. That ain't right! Cuz I ain't a crazy chica, y'all. I just look like one. Uhuh, yeaaa...
Yes, that explains the teenage mutant Gadis Marathon look you're sporting today. Oh and PS. I can see your vagina.
Whadaryatalkin' bout? This is my X-tina "Can't Hold Us Down" look, aiiight! Cuz X-tina's my ho. She's tha bomb-diggity. Shout out to Lady X, y'all! Hollaaaaa...
Anyway what I'm sayin' is, nobody can't hold me down, y'all. Nobody! Not even the doctors here. Even though they gave me valium and electric shock therapy and all that shit, you know. They still can't hold me down! Word.

(Meanwhile, female nurse is approaching us.)

It's time for your medication, Miss Monica.
What are you talkin' bout? I ain't crazy, bitch!! I'm aiiiiiiight...
Come on, Agnes. Let's get back to your ward.
*shrieking*
Nooooooo...
Get your hands off me!! Lemme goooooooooooooo...!!!

(Agnes is struggling like a wounded animal. The nurse had to hold Agnes down and pull her away.)

Bye, Agnes. Good luck with your therapy.
I ain't crazy!! You're all crazy!! I'm still Agnes, y'all. Keepin' it real. Don't forget my album "Whaddup A'?" drops on December 10! Real hip-hop style. Get it now, y'all. Get it, get it. Yep yep, that's me! Agnes from Cellblock 4 bangsal 11. Say whaaa... Say whaaaa....

Neng Sarah.

Hot Child In The City Pt. 2

2005-12-15T19:51:00.000+07:00

Just what is it with these young stars? It's like they rise to stardom then they loose their senses for temperatures and continually mistake Jakarta for Alaska. First Marshanda in her walking sauna outfit and now Junot.

Although I must say I find you kinda cute Junot honey, I must also say that Jakarta averages at 33 degrees celcius year round. So a hooded jumper and a blazer on top of it? Ouuchh...Is it me or is it really hot here? Whaddaya say we get rid of all these pieces of clothings? Seriously, we won't be needing them, if you know what I mean...

Mpok Jane.

X Marks The Spot

2005-12-14T17:42:00.000+07:00

Tammy, how many times do I have to tell you to get a new fashion stylist? No seriously Tammy, this is a matter of life and death. I firmly believe your current stylist is a hack. Here's my theory: I think he/she is a professional hitman who poses as a stylist, hired by your sister Theresia Blezynski to kill you!! You know, because she's jealous of your career and all. Hello...? The Bodyguard, remember?

I mean, come on...how else are you going to explain that dress which actually looks okay but completely ruined by 3 sheets of nude-colored toilet paper dangling from your waist and a piece of old pantyhose criss-crossing on your torso? It's actually an X mark to assist the hitman on where to aim his gun, for a quick but deadly shot right on your heart.

Believe me Tammy, I know what I'm talking about. You'd better fire that stylist of yours ASAP and get a now one. Someone who is not going to kill you, literally and figuratively. You know, someone like...me, for instance. Well, you're interested, you know where to reach me, kay?

Neng Sarah.

Them Retarded Dude

2005-12-13T20:19:00.000+07:00

Peace kiddo...not tryina be rude here but what the deal withchu lookin' all blonde and retarded? Ya followin' me? Blonde and retarded? Ya want me to spell 'em out for you? I'm tellin' ya dude, at this rate, ain't no chance for ya in gettin' them chicks, yaknowmean?

Mpok Jane.

Gothic Horror

2005-12-13T20:06:00.000+07:00

As you have so aptly said it girlfriend...WHATEVER!!

Mpok Jane.

Girltalk

2005-12-12T17:15:00.000+07:00

Venna, Venna, Venna...
No, I'm not here to tell you how much I hate you. Nor do I want to call Guiness Book of World Record and tell them I have found someone who deserves the title "Worst Dressed Woman Known To Mankind". Because, hey, you and the rest of the population of Indonesia already knew that, right? But I'm here right now because I want to talk to you about something really important. Heart to heart. Woman to woman. Okay, girlfriend? Good.

Venna...you're such a MF-ing callous and insensitive cow!!! No wait, that didn't come out right. Let me rephrase that.

Venna, I understand your burning desire to amaze the public aka humiliate yourself with your ludicrous sense of style. But please, woman...you're a wife and a mother. Don't you even care about your husband's and children's feelings? Don't you ever consider what your husband felt after his co-worker remarked, "I saw your wife on TV last night looking like a cross between Karina Kapoor and J-Ho"? And don't you ever think about how your children cry everytime their friends at school say, "My mommy said your mommy is crazy"?

Please Venna, think about it. Think about your family. Have some mercy for them. Don't be a heartless bitch like us. Don't let your husband menikah siri with some F-grade sinetron actress wannabe from Garut. Don't let your children have a new mommy whose real name is Leli Anjarwati. Save your marriage, Venna. Save your family.

Neng Sarah.

True Colors

2005-12-11T15:45:00.000+07:00

Two words for you, Donna Agnesia:
Mawar AFI.
Ew!

Neng Sarah.

Hanya Menghina

2005-12-11T15:06:00.000+07:00

Neng Sarah says:
Imbecile, bullimic, insanely irritating, slut-faced MTV VJ has-been who thinks she can sing just because she took vocal lessons from Bertha obviously got no taste in fashion whatsoever.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Will somebody put that thing out of her misery...

Celebrity Deathmatch

2005-12-10T17:39:00.000+07:00

Hello and welcome to another edition of Celebrity Deathmatch. Today is your lucky day because we have a very special fight for you. Ladies and gentleman, we present you "Whodoyouthinkheare's Bullfighting Match"!!!!

"Hola, mi amigos! It's me, Rossa. Yes yes, it really IS me!! And yes, I know I look like a transvestite. Blame it on Derry, my makeup artist. Anyway, don't be fooled by the wig that I got, I'm still, I'm still Rossa from Sumedang. Kumaha, daramang sadayana? Alhamdulillah atuh. Si, mi amigos, I'm going to fight a bull in just a few moment. And no, don't you worry, I'm not gonna harm the animal. I'm just gonna lull the bull to sleep with my boring ballads, like "Nada-nada Cinta" and "Hati Yang Terpilih". Hahaha... Okay, I gotta go now. Wish me luck. Adios, amigos! No me ames, hasta manana...viva forever! Ole!!!"

Neng Sarah.

The Riddle

2005-12-09T14:16:00.000+07:00

Question:
What is blue, looking like a rice sack tied somewhere beneath the breasts, clutching a leopard print saddle bag, and absolutely ugly it hurts to see it.

Answer:

Mpok Jane.

Red Christmas

2005-12-08T17:43:00.000+07:00

Aaahhh...Christmas is in the air!! And Miss Catherine Wilson here, supposedly one of Indonesia's most renowned models, is dressing up to the occasion...as SANTA'S LITTLE SLUT. She even got sprinkles of snow flakes on her dress, very clever indeed! I wonder what Mrs. Claus would make of this?

Mpok Jane.

As Gay As It Gets

2005-12-06T18:42:00.000+07:00

I must say Zacky, for someone who has reportedly been denying rumours of him being gay, you sure don't have any problems in getting in touch with your feminine side, do you? I mean, come on, pink shirt with bell-shaped arms, pink tie with flowery prints, white pants, a killer purple belt, and a red jacket in tow. Seriously, you could make Carson Kressley of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy look like a straight redneck standing next to you.

And one more thing, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, tell your girlfriend Miss Peggy Melati Sukma there that her plastic surgeon has succeeded...in making her look like a tranny and that she could do with better dress. Frankly, I didn't recognize her at first.

Mpok Jane.

Young and Restless

2005-12-06T15:11:00.000+07:00

Kids these days (yes I know this just added 10 years into my age)...

You...yes you young man, hype is that you're Indonesia's answer to Justin Timberlake. While I have never listened to any of your songs nor seen any of your videos, looking at you in that suit I can say that you're lucky enough to fare against Mansyur S. Huh...Justin would have killed himself over and over knowing this.

And you young lady...yes you, the one looking like an underage hooker. I need to have a word with your mother. What kind of mother would let her 15 year old daughter going out of the house scantily clad like that?

Mpok Jane.

Agnes The Warrior Princess

2005-12-05T17:57:00.000+07:00

Isn't it about time that someone send Miss Agnes Monica here to the Arkham Asylum?

Mpok Jane.

So Seventies

2005-12-05T17:51:00.000+07:00

And the award for Anita "I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World" Simorangkir Wannabe goes to...
Ratna Listy!!!

Neng Sarah.

Bitch Envy

2005-12-05T17:18:00.000+07:00

Are you sure, Anissa? Well, obviously neither you nor your mother has ever read our blog.

Neng Sarah.

Wedding Bliss

2005-12-05T17:13:00.000+07:00

Ever been curious what a hooker is going to wear on her wedding day when she's getting married to her pimp? Well apparently, this is what the wedding picture looks like.

The groom is wearing a jacket with suede panels over a white shirt and bright colored tie, paired with faded jeans and big buckled belt (shaggy 70's hair is optional).

And the bride is wearing a white tight mini dress with built-in armcast (to support her broken arm, after her pimp/boyfriend beat her up due to lack of income), adorned with what used to be her old cable-knit sweater which now looks like a huge kerupuk warung 200an on the bosom area and scrapes of white brocade fabric on the bottom of the dress for a touch of traditional wedding kebaya.

Aahhh, it really is a match made in Kali Jodo. Congratulations!

Neng Sarah.

Dull Rezer

2005-12-03T10:45:00.000+07:00

Some clueless Indonesian celebs think that they can pull off a Carrie Bradshaw look and got away with it.

Puhleeez, Dewi Rezer. You should be so lucky.

Neng Sarah.

PS. Hi, Marcell..! *wink wink*

Sheer Sensation

2005-12-02T17:04:00.000+07:00

If you have absolutely no idea who this woman is, you're not alone. But from what I read, her name is Emma Waroka Hawkins and she's the host of Fenomena Plus on Trans TV. Well, no wonder we don't know her, the show is unheard of. But nevermind her identity, she'd probably be forgotten in 3 months time anyway (unless she does a cheap publicity stunt, pronto). Let's just analyze her outfit and why she deserves to be on our list, shall we.

While I personally excuse the whole "Mama Emma, The High Class Pimp, goes to court" look, I just cannot forgive the gold Gucci knockoff belt worn lopsided over untucked shirt!! Please Emma, it's so disturbing. While you're at it, why don't you add a tas pinggang and just kill me, Emma. Kill, me! Oh Emma, why can't you dress like normal people? Tuck in your shirt, put on the belt on the belt loop of your skirt (where it's supposed to be) and help us heal the world, for you and for me and the entire human race. There are people dying, if you care enough for the living. Make a better place for you and for me.

For you and for meeeeee....

Neng Sarah.

Star Trek 20: Revenge Of The Queen

2005-12-02T15:19:00.000+07:00

Hail to her royal highness, Angel Lelga, the Queen of Klingons!!

Mpok Jane.

After Rhoma Irama dumped her, chances are she's starting to lose her mind. I'm so not surprised if I met her at a traffic light dressed like that and sings,
"Bang Rhomaaa... Bang Rhomaaa...
Kenapa nggak pulang-pulaaaang...
Anakmuuu... anakmuuu...
Panggil-panggil namamuuu..."

Neng Sarah.

Radja Gila

2005-12-02T13:25:00.000+07:00

Have you ever wondered how Roy Boomerang, Bono, Avril Lavigne, and a Front Pembela Islam activist would look like when put together in one person?

This guy apparently thinks he's da bomb, judging from his grinnish smile and metal hand sign. We at whodoyouthinkheare, however, would rather think of him as the joke of the millenium. Period.

Mpok Jane.

Black Metal

2005-11-30T12:50:00.000+07:00

Dear Andhara Early,

Just so you know, there is nothing metal about having a baby whose biological father is not your husband (or ex-husband in your case). If I were you I would shy away from human civilisation and restrain myself from making public appearances. And in the rare occasion where I should make a public appearance, going to Anugrah Musik Indonesia for instance, I would take great care in making sure that I look absolutely fabulous, as opposed to looking like a college student, complete with her sling bag in tow, who just got back from one of her classes. And I definitely also would not be caught dead wearing a huge gold belt that screams nothing but cheap. But that's just me - you, on the other hand, apparently have another thing in mind.

Mpok Jane.

Persembahan Dari Hati

2005-11-29T22:16:00.000+07:00

Shanty paid an homage to her favorite divas by stealing bits and pieces from them to create this look.

>

The army look?
Madonna (The American Life stint).
The alphabet earring?
Kylie Minogue.
The sunglasses?
Jennifer Lopez.
The white boots?
Maissy (the annoying child singer, not Elliot).
The result?
Infinite ugliness!!

Neng Sarah.

AWOL

2005-11-28T12:37:00.000+07:00

Maia Ahmad showed us what (pre-party) Cinderella would look like if she were sent to a bootcamp in the ghetto by her evil stepmom.

Neng Sarah.

Big Pimpin'

2005-11-28T05:52:00.000+07:00

Hmmm...Let's see, what have we got here...

Fake burberry fedora hat...check
White blazer...check
Unbuttoned pink stripey shirt and no tie...check
Patched jeans (and one patch on his crotch, gosh what is he hiding?)...check
One bloated dangdut singer wearing see-through top and glittery tube underneath with um...glittery accessories? (seriously i don't know what it is) that goes around her neck and down to in between her breats and circles them making...errrr...an impression of a glasses with the two breasts as the eyes (what the fuck?), and not to mention a very very bad hair extention...check...check...check!!
Ohh wait...I almost forgot, huge glittery flower patch on her jeans...check

That's it!! That guy is officially a pimp and Iyeth Bustami is his ho! WHAT? Whaddaya mean that's her husband? No honey, they ain't fooling noone, they got a pimp and his ho written in bold letters all over them.

Mpok Jane.

10 Things I Hate About Venna

2005-11-26T15:18:00.000+07:00

Someone should've stopped Venna Melinda from getting out of the house.

There are just too many things wrong with her, I think I'll use a dot point format so not to miss anything. Here goes:

Venna baby, you are not Beyonce and this is not 1974, so hot pants is clearly not the smartest choice. Ooppss...did I say not the smartest choice? I'm sorry, I was being too kind. I had meant to say that it was not a choice AT ALL!!
Who on earth told you that you should match your blazer with your hot pants? Well, maybe you should, but definitely not as in taking it so much as to have both made from the same fabric - especially when the fabric in question involves very ugly, cheap looking golden embroidery linings.
Do you know the rule to making blazers? It goes something like the blazer should be loose enough to keep your breasts from springing out, yet tight enough so not to make some parts look sagging. You, sadly, have managed to get this rule somehow twisted around.
Yellow bustier inside the blazer and nothing else? My god, Venna...you are going to an award show, not to an orgy party.
I never ever see the point in wearing a collar, unless you're a dog or you're playing bondage S/M.
You seem to have a problem in getting lengths right, don't you? Look, your blazer is too short and your hot pants, if you really must wear one, is not short enough. And while I usually can live with hanging sleeves, I really can't help but to find it look awkward on you.
Why didn't you have your hair done, or at least have it tidied up?
Your belt looks cheap and is distracting.
Gypsy earrings are soooo J-Lo and god knows what has become of her now.
Even the ring on your right index finger is distracting!!

Ohh my god, everything on you is wrong! Do you even have a mirror at home? I would be more than happy to give you one if you didn't.

Mpok Jane.

Out Of This World

2005-11-26T13:26:00.000+07:00

Hello, NASA? Yes, I am ringing to report a sighting of an alien. What? Noooo...I am not kidding sir, in fact I have never been more serious in my life before, I swear on my Prada collection! Look, sir you have got to believe me. She looks quite dangerous, she wears this white gown that covers almost all parts of her body except her head and hand. Yes sir, white gown, you got me right. What? Ohh Yes, she does look silly but what can you expect from an alien anyway? And she has this weird thing that goes around her neck and covers the upper part of her upper body. No sir, I don't know what it is. It could be a weapon of some sort, but it looks ugly for sure. And she has her hair made up in..um...do you watch star trek at all sir? You do? Good, you know how the alien queens usually have their hair divided in two and styled it so that it resembles a twin peak? Yes, that is how she styles her hair. Yea, poor alien, her planet must really lack good hairdressers. And what concerns me most sir is that this alien seems to have had a man under her captivity. What? No, I am sure that man is not an alien, he looks pretty normal. Oh sir, do believe me, you must attend to this, like ASAP! What? You want me to go to a shrink instead? What? I'm imagining things? Look here sir...hello? hello?

Mpok Jane.

There are very small amount of people who can pull off an Alexander McQueen. And you, Mbak Yanti, is not one of them. So, I suggest you to stick to something from Johannes Bridal. I think it's better for your taste.

Neng Sarah.

UFO

2005-11-25T09:20:00.000+07:00

Quick!! Someone!! Get me NASA on the line!!

I'm seeing an unidentified flying object on Andien's head!!

Mpok Jane.

Ugly In Yellow

2005-11-23T03:37:00.000+07:00

Look, don't get me wrong here. I really am of the opinion that Dian Sastro is such a beauty and that she fares so much better against her counterparts in terms of acting. That said however, I am not going to let her get away with this:

Ohh Dian, this just distresses me. Who penetrated the idea into your head that you could get away with...um...THAT?? What is THAT anyway? It's yellow and shapeless and...well...UGLY!! You know what it looks like? It looks like one of those raincoats that you put on when you're riding on a motorcycle and then all of a sudden the rain starts falling and you put it on. Seriously, What is THAT? And more importantly, why are you wearing THAT? Are you of the belief that you're that hot and beautiful and all that you could actually get away wearing everything, including THAT? Well news flash honey: you have been wrong, like dead wrong! Look, I obviously am not a starlet like you are and some have suggested that I am just an actrees wannabe who fails miserably altogether, but I seriously wouldn't be caught dead wearing what you are wearing! I'm sorry to say this , but THAT - I would've said dress but is it even a dress? - simply writes UGLY in capital all over you.

And one more thing, loose the necklace dear. It looks like some cheap made in china plastic necklace (or is it?) and does nothing whatsoever to save your look. If the...errr dress?...writes UGLY in capital, the necklace bolds it.

Mpok Jane.

Bablas!

2005-11-22T08:00:00.000+07:00

Oh my God, Sania...all this time we thought you were crazy, turns out you're pregnant! We at whodoyouthinkheare are deeply sorry for the rude comments we made about you. I truly understand that the hormonal changes of a pregnant woman can sometimes make her lose her mind, including the lost of fashion sense. Oh well, all is forgiven then. But we expect you to have your sanity back by the time the baby is born, kay?

Neng Sarah.

PS. I couldn't help but notice that your breasts are starting to sag. I'm also here to offer you my sincerest condolences for the loss of your infamous cleavage. What can I say? Maternity sucks. By the way, who's the unlucky guy?

Celebrity Deathmatch

2005-11-21T13:25:00.000+07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another edition of Celebrity Deathmatch. For our second match, we present you "Battle of The Pseudo Twin Sisters".

On the orange corner: clad in literally head-to-toe orange and looking uncannily like a ripe California Sunkist...it's Dewinta Bahar!!

On the red corner: dressed in what appears to be a red jumpsuit (ew, jumpsuit!) with cut-out shoulders and barracuda-jaw sleeves, and jewelry suspiciously made from living earthworms...it's Anisa Bahar!!

Ladies, let's begin the rampage!!!

Anisa doesn't waste a single minute. She ferociously jumped at Dewinta and ripped her orange wig off. Oh no ladies and gentlemen, evidently Dewinta is completely hairless!

"Look everyone...she's bald! Hahaha..."

"It's genetic, you bitch!", cried Dewinta.

"Oh yea? If it's genetic, how come I still have hair?", Anisa laughed like a maniac.

Dewinta is furious. She sprang like a puma and attacked Anisa by pulling her Supermi hair extension.

"Oh nooo!!! My hairrr!!! My expensive hair extension from Salon LuTuYeSokCantikAmatSihSoWhatGituLohEmangGuePikirin..."

Anisa kneeled and scraped her false hair from the floor in blind panic. Without hesitation, Dewinta kicked Anisa right in the face with her Yongki Komaladi stilleto.

"OMIGOD...my noooseeee....!!!", Anisa cried and held her now crooked nose. "What am I gonna do? Who's gonna fix it now that Haji Jeje's in prison?"

Dewinta laughed victoriously and pranced around the ring. "Eat that, you fake-haired fake-nosed fake-named fake-aged fake-rape scenario bitch!!"

"That's it!!!", Anisa exploded in fury. "You asked for it! You're DEAD!!!"

Dewinta looked at Anisa in horror. She knew something horrifying is about to happen.

Anisa got up and stood in silence.

"Go to hell, you ugly cunt!!!"

And with that, she unleashed her final lethal weapon: her voice and her signature Goyang Patah-Patah. She lifted her arms above her head and started singing.

"Hiiiidup penuuuuuhhhh.....liku-liiiiiiikuuuuuuuu......"

"Nooooooooooooooo.......", Dewinta shrieked like a banshee. She tried to cover her ears, but it was useless. Anisa's voice is just too powerfully horrible.

"Ada sukaaaa....ada duuuukaaaaa.....", Anisa continued singing and gyrating her hips.

Dewinta fell on the floor unconcious. The medical team bursted into the ring and rushed Dewinta to the nearest ER.

But Anisa just wouldn't stop singing and dancing.

"Semua insannnn....pasti pernah... merasaaaakannnyaaaaaaaaaaaaa...!!!"

Suddenly, a giant spotlight dropped from the ceiling and crushed Anisa to pieces. Her fat splattered everywhere and her plastic nose rolled on the floor next to the remains of her hair extension.

Yes ladies and gentleman, Anisa Bahar is tragically killed by her own voice. So I hereby tell you that, sadly, we don't have any winner on this match. See you next time on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Neng Sarah.

Desperately Seeking Attention

2005-11-19T15:24:00.000+07:00

WE DON'T CARE. WORD.

Mpok Jane.